The Heart is A Lonely Hunter

...not to be confused with the Reba McEntire song, or whatever book is out there.

The heart can definitely be a lonely hunter. It longs and yearns to be filled with love and able to return that especially to the love of your life.

I have been single for 3 years. It has not been a bad experience. I have learned a lot about myself and grown more as an individual during this time.

However, if you read my blog regularly you know that my life took a very different turn about 3 1/2 months ago with the diagnosis of cancer. During this time I have experienced many emotions and thoughts. The one that seems to hang on with a grip is loneliness. The further I have gotten into treatment, the more lonely I seem to become. Let me make it clear [before someone jumps ahead of themselves]... I am NOT depressed. I am still a very happy and positive person, just very lonely. Now you're wondering, "Why in the world would she be lonely so many people just love her." Yes, this is very true and I am well aware of this fact. However, it is not the same as having a special someone to go through this with.

I really do not know how to put it into words even in a hand written journal. I am just simply lonely. I long very deeply for love again. While I am very comforted by people, having someone special to walk through this time in my life would be of even more comfort. There is a calm that comes about when you have that special hand to hold and know they're going to be there with you through the good and the bad.

I am almost clueless as to how to remedy this for myself. I have tried every thing I know. I am even on Christian Mingle which has not proven to be of any help thus far. I know people are scared knowing I have the diagnosis I do, we're human I expect it. Things are going well now, and I am ready to move along in life - even if it's just talking to someone getting to know them. I do no expect love overnight, who in their right mind would?! Just being able to take the step in getting to know someone would be huge right now.

If you could stand to read this far, thank you.

Love & Hugs,
Crystal

Good News & New Wheels

Last week, I wrote about having to have a CT this week (Wed). I had been anxious about said scan for a few weeks. Waking up some mornings crying, wondering if everything was really working, if everything was really as good as it seemed to be. Feeling in essence, like my life was on a timeline. Battling loneliness that no one can fill but that special someone.

Well, I am happy to write that I have good news this week. I had trouble the morning of the scan, my port would not give a blood return so finally I just let them stick me with an IV to run the contrast dye. That was not pleasant either. I had to be stuck 3 times, it was very frustrating, but as always I was the cooperative patient and didn't go off on them even though in my mind I really wanted to! Dad and I went to Denny's afterward for breakfast because I was starving. I couldn't have anything to eat or drink that morning. That afternoon, I was sitting at my desk and the phone rang.. it was TN Oncology. I started not to answer cause it was odd to get a call from them in the early afternoon. I picked up the phone and said, "Hello..." ..."Yes, Crystal this is __________ from TN Oncology I have the results of your CT scan." "Okay..." "You're responding nicely, I will discuss with you further when you come in." I hang up and have a well deserved sigh of relief.

Thursday was also a big day. I got to pick up my new wheels that I fought so hard for. It took 2 regular appeals and one emergency appeal to get it approved. I remember getting a phone call a few weeks ago telling me it had been approved. I cried like a baby. I have wanted a sports chair for a very long time and all my hard work paid off to get it.

The two gentlemen in this photo are Thomas Henley, and Greg Monk. They have been a blessing to my family for the last 29-30 years, helping us in any way they can. I am proud to say I was one of their very first clients.. and remember my very first chair I received from them. It was red just like my old one. I have to say though, by far this new chair is my favorite. It is going to take some getting use to, but nothing I can't master. I mean, if cancer can't even bring me down how can some new wheels? Ha!

Seriously, if you need assistance getting your child/loved one a wheelchair, walker, stander, etc. and have Medicaid go see these guys. They are amazing and truly care about the people they serve. They are not just guys trying to sell you something to make a profit. They genuinely want to get to know their clients on a first name basis and learn all they can about each individuals needs. If you meet them, you'll become fast friends, and before you know it they will be like family!

Quick Update

Just here to write a quick update.

Everything is still going good with treatment. Still no pain or anything. PTL. I go in next week for a scan to see if the tumors have shrunk and will continue chemo the next week.

 I will also be picking up my new chair hopefully.

I started at home PT this week too.

I also enjoyed a good day with my Aunt this week. We went Thursday to have my pump disconnected and enjoyed lunch at Stevi B's.

That's pretty much it, maybe my next update will be more exciting...

Blessed

This past week was my off week from treatment. I felt great nearly all week and was able to get in some much needed sister time!

Most importantly this week I realized how truly blessed I am. I have been doing very well about writing in my prayer journal everyday, and I have noticed quite a few of my prayers have been answered this week. Often times, I don't take time to stop and think about what I have asked God for, and notice if it came to pass or not. This week, I have tried my best to pay attention, and have seen things come to pass.

One day I asked God to let me have a good appetite. This prayer was answered almost immediately. I had 3 good meals that day and when I said my prayers for the evening I made sure to thank Him for answering this small prayer for me. Having a good appetite makes a big difference in the day. I also asked for pain free days, and everyday this week has been pain free except for two very short,  intense spells mid week.

Through these little prayers and giving thanks I received a big blessing this past week! On Friday, January 15 I received an unexpected phone call from my Nurse Practitioner. I thought she was just calling to check in and see how things were going as this is how the conversation began... then she says, "Have you heard the news?" I've no clue what she is talking about... she reads me the letter...

My new wheelchair was approved!!!

I instantly began to cry tears of JOY! I did not expect to hear this anytime soon. We had just submitted an emergency appeal the week before and I didn't think it would go through honestly. Apparently, God had other plans ya'll and I am so glad. I should have my new wheels around the second week of February! I am looking forward to getting them. Everything is going to be so much easier as far as being transported... Mom will be able to put the new chair in her car a whole lot easier than my current one. It's going to be a lot easier for me to get around in as well.

Pictures to come as soon as we pick it up!

Love & Hugs,

Crystal

Happy Hats :)

Since shaving my head I have fallen in love with hats, boggans, & headwraps. They make each day fun, especially when a hat matches perfectly with my outfit of the day (#ootd for all you who love hashtags).

Before diagnosis you couldn't get me to wear anything on my head. I didn't like how anything looked. Now, I can't get enough! I'm all the time looking for new ones when I go shopping. I bring home at least one new one from each Chemo week. People make them and donate them to Tennessee Oncology, and patients get them for free! I think that is awesome!

For me, wearing the hats gives me something to look forward to that makes me feel good. They make putting together an outfit a lot more fun, as well as make me happy. Thus the title, "Happy Hats!" :)

Love and Hugs,
Crystal

Chemo Round 2

Well, I had round 2 this past Tuesday... as always treatment goes well; but I left in a very ill mood. I am not quite sure why this happens but for the first few days post treatment I am just an all out grouch. This time around, I experienced the cold sensitivity, and it is just like they say. It feels like your hands and/or feet have fallen asleep and pins and needles are poking you if cold air hits them. Thus, not a very pleasant experience making me an unhappy person.

The side effect I dislike the most is the restlessness. I am trying my best to fight through it because I should be feeling like me come tomorrow or Monday.

 I did receive some good news though. I do not have to have radiation at this time because I have responded so well to chemo. There will be 2 more rounds of chemo and then a PET scan to see if things are shrinking like we want them to.. then after that we will discuss the use of radiation.

Also, my oncologist started me on a new medicine called Avastin. It essentially acts Round Up; preventing further blood supply to the tumor and killing off the vessels that are already there to keep it from growing. I am really praying my body responds well!

That's pretty much all for now!

Love and Hugs,
Crystal

Quick Round Up - New Year/Fun/Word of the Year

My first selfies of the New Year with a new hoodie and boggan on. :) The new year has started off great for me. This is one of the first years in a long time that I did not even watch the ball drop... I usually always watch that.. but just didn't care to this year.

I had a great first weekend of 2016 as well as the week leading up to said weekend. It was an off week for treatment so I tried to do something fun everyday and I am happy to say I was successful. I was able to spend time with my best friend Cassie while she was in from WA visiting and felt well enough to get out and have Japanese for lunch over the weekend which I greatly enjoyed.

Best Friends since we were babies!

I was able to go to church Sunday morning with Erin and Terry. It was great to see everyone there as it always is. The sermon was very spot on with my life at this time. Pastor D talked to us about trusting God and the people He places in our lives. There is a reason for everything that goes on it our lives, even the people we meet!!

I was also able to figure out what my word is for the year. Everything that I have heard, seen, and read this year regarding my faith has lead me back to the word Trust. I feel like God placed me on this journey so I would learn to trust Him more through all things in my life. So, I am trusting in Him that I will make it through this journey... and I am trusting that I will find a Godly companion this year.. I really hope I do.

Tomorrow is another big day, round 2 of treatment so just continue to bare with me for updates this week. I should be starting radiation as well.

Love and Hugs,

Crystal