February 15, 2016

My Very Best Friend

Cassie. My very best friend. Thirty years of friendship. Lives that have somehow always connected and paralled throughout the years. From little girls who loved to play Nintendo for hours on end, to teenagers with an interest in piano and music, and silly boys, to adults who have amazingly fought through similar hard times, one of mine being now when yours was many years ago.

Where would I be without you? Right now, I truly do not know. I couldn't tell you. You're the only person that gets everything I feel and everything I think right now. Everyone tries of course, but they just can't unless they have been here. It's not possible to completely understand. I am so thankful that you do and that you can, because there are days that you are my God send and I think He knows that just as well, I really do.

Though I fight through loneliness, it is a great comfort knowing that you get it all, completely 100% and that my feelings are never invalid. I am thankful that in the beginning I could call you and cry and have feelings of uncertainty... and I am even more thankful that I can call you now and talk about the good things and where things should go from here.

We've been through a lot together, good and bad. I will never forget when you got your DX and you called me and asked me how I dealt with my life everyday living with CP and being in a wheelchair overcoming obstacles all the time. I just did, being strong is all I knew then and it is all I know now. Just like before we are in this together and I thank you so much for being my rock. You knew what you were doing when you chose your profession, and I think God knew also that I'd need you like I do. I would need someone who not only knew exactly what I was going through, but could also give me a little insight and comfort.

I thank God that you are who you are, and you do what you do. I am also thankful that you have always challenged me over the years even when I don't like it and we disagree. We make each other think and we love each other through it all.

I love you Cass, thank you for being, my very best friend.

Love and Hugs,

February 14, 2016

The Heart is A Lonely Hunter

...not to be confused with the Reba McEntire song, or whatever book is out there.

The heart can definitely be a lonely hunter. It longs and yearns to be filled with love and able to return that especially to the love of your life.

I have been single for 3 years. It has not been a bad experience. I have learned a lot about myself and grown more as an individual during this time.

However, if you read my blog regularly you know that my life took a very different turn about 3 1/2 months ago with the diagnosis of cancer. During this time I have experienced many emotions and thoughts. The one that seems to hang on with a grip is loneliness. The further I have gotten into treatment, the more lonely I seem to become. Let me make it clear [before someone jumps ahead of themselves]... I am NOT depressed. I am still a very happy and positive person, just very lonely. Now you're wondering, "Why in the world would she be lonely so many people just love her." Yes, this is very true and I am well aware of this fact. However, it is not the same as having a special someone to go through this with.

I really do not know how to put it into words even in a hand written journal. I am just simply lonely. I long very deeply for love again. While I am very comforted by people, having someone special to walk through this time in my life would be of even more comfort. There is a calm that comes about when you have that special hand to hold and know they're going to be there with you through the good and the bad.

I am almost clueless as to how to remedy this for myself. I have tried every thing I know. I am even on Christian Mingle which has not proven to be of any help thus far. I know people are scared knowing I have the diagnosis I do, we're human I expect it. Things are going well now, and I am ready to move along in life - even if it's just talking to someone getting to know them. I do no expect love overnight, who in their right mind would?! Just being able to take the step in getting to know someone would be huge right now.

If you could stand to read this far, thank you.

Love & Hugs,

February 12, 2016

Good News & New Wheels

Last week, I wrote about having to have a CT this week (Wed). I had been anxious about said scan for a few weeks. Waking up some mornings crying, wondering if everything was really working, if everything was really as good as it seemed to be. Feeling in essence, like my life was on a timeline. Battling loneliness that no one can fill but that special someone.

Well, I am happy to write that I have good news this week. I had trouble the morning of the scan, my port would not give a blood return so finally I just let them stick me with an IV to run the contrast dye. That was not pleasant either. I had to be stuck 3 times, it was very frustrating, but as always I was the cooperative patient and didn't go off on them even though in my mind I really wanted to! Dad and I went to Denny's afterward for breakfast because I was starving. I couldn't have anything to eat or drink that morning. That afternoon, I was sitting at my desk and the phone rang.. it was TN Oncology. I started not to answer cause it was odd to get a call from them in the early afternoon. I picked up the phone and said, "Hello..." ..."Yes, Crystal this is __________ from TN Oncology I have the results of your CT scan." "Okay..." "You're responding nicely, I will discuss with you further when you come in." I hang up and have a well deserved sigh of relief.

Thursday was also a big day. I got to pick up my new wheels that I fought so hard for. It took 2 regular appeals and one emergency appeal to get it approved. I remember getting a phone call a few weeks ago telling me it had been approved. I cried like a baby. I have wanted a sports chair for a very long time and all my hard work paid off to get it.

The two gentlemen in this photo are Thomas Henley, and Greg Monk. They have been a blessing to my family for the last 29-30 years, helping us in any way they can. I am proud to say I was one of their very first clients.. and remember my very first chair I received from them. It was red just like my old one. I have to say though, by far this new chair is my favorite. It is going to take some getting use to, but nothing I can't master. I mean, if cancer can't even bring me down how can some new wheels? Ha!

Seriously, if you need assistance getting your child/loved one a wheelchair, walker, stander, etc. and have Medicaid go see these guys. They are amazing and truly care about the people they serve. They are not just guys trying to sell you something to make a profit. They genuinely want to get to know their clients on a first name basis and learn all they can about each individuals needs. If you meet them, you'll become fast friends, and before you know it they will be like family!

February 6, 2016

Quick Update

Just here to write a quick update.

Everything is still going good with treatment. Still no pain or anything. PTL. I go in next week for a scan to see if the tumors have shrunk and will continue chemo the next week.

 I will also be picking up my new chair hopefully.

I started at home PT this week too.

I also enjoyed a good day with my Aunt this week. We went Thursday to have my pump disconnected and enjoyed lunch at Stevi B's.

That's pretty much it, maybe my next update will be more exciting...