Where We Are: My New Normal...

I know I have been rather quiet on here about what has been going on in my life since I began posting about the Bible Study. I apologize as I know there are some who get updates from here; and some of you simply like the way I write.

In my last post I mentioned I would be taking a break from chemo to prepare for surgery and that would be discussed with Dr. Lorenzo during the next visit on 5/12. The appointment has come and gone, but it did not go as we were expecting -- (discussion of how the operation would be done and what recovery would be like). Instead, we discussed why surgery was not my best option. Obviously, this not what I was prepared to talk about, but was very comforted by the doctor in the confidence she displayed and her words.

It turns out the spot in my lower left pelvis is only one lymph node that is cancerous. It cannot be removed surgically safely because of the location. Dr. Lorenzo said if she did go in and remove it that I likely would not be able to sit on my bottom anymore and the pain would be unbearable. Basically, it comes down to continuing to have a good quality of life, which would not be with surgery. I would also need chemo even after surgery. So, why cause unnecessary pain and diminish quality of life when what we have been doing is still working? Surgery was pointless, really.

So where are we? We are now in the maintenance phase of my care. I will always be on some form of chemo from here on out. This has been tough to process and accept this week. Dr. Tran was basically on the same page as Dr. L... so I knew what to expect at my appointment Wed., but that did not make it any easier. Each day does get a little easier though. Basically, my cancer is being treated as a chronic illness (think diabetes or fibro) and being managed with the chemo.

I know I am not the author of my story. God is. His plan is greater and better than anything I think I should be doing in my life. I am already seeing why His plan is greater. First and foremost, I can still live my life to its fullest potential and do not have to spend it in my hospital bed because I am not able to sit up. I have also been given an opportunity to have a job one day a week; something I did not think would ever happen in my life... but... God had better plans!

Same Life, New Story: Jehosheba

Jehosheba

The action I most need to take in my life that will require wisdom and courage is...

To keep fighting. It takes a lot of wisdom and courage. Wisdom to know God does not make mistakes, and will carry us through whatever He brings us to. Sometimes it is hard to TRUST, but it's what I have to do!

Courage has been a part of this journey since the beginning. Sometimes it is hard to be courageous and upbeat. I have learned it is OK to have moments and cry when I need to. Cause sometimes it is very overwhelming on the mind. Those are the times where trust comes in.

Same Life, New Story: Anna

Anna

The biggest what-might-have-been I need to eliminate in my life is...

Well, let's just be honest here shall we...

What if I did not have cancer at 31 years old?

I would not appreciate life the way I do now; one moment at a time. I probably would still be looking to go out every weekend to listen to a band, still searching for that person to fill my hearts void in all the wrong places. I would still be a very restless person.

But, just like Anna I am slowly learning how to content myself until that void is filled in my life. What is it being filled with now, you ask? God. I have learned that if I do not keep Him and His Word in my mind and heart that is when I begin to have anxious thoughts and is often when I feel the most loneliness.

I am going to be real again; being single and fighting cancer has been a tough fight all its own. I have often thought to myself if that would ever happen again, because now not only am I in a wheelchair, but I also have cancer - 2 strikes from being out for some (just being honest)...

That is when I have finally learned to fill that empty filling with God and His promises, and if it be His will, He will fulfill the desire of my heart with a Godly man. For now, I will continue learning and growing in Him like /Anna did. I will not let Satan get in the way and steal the joy I have found.

If you are living in a past of "what-ifs" bring yourself into the "what-is" with God at the forefront and He will lead you into your future of "what-will-be", and you won't be left to wander!

Same Life, New Story: Hannah

Hannah

The constant drama in my life centers around cancer (who?), and I can begin to delete that destructive drama by...

My entry today is not about a person like Hannah had to deal with (though I have encountered such people in my life and had to rid myself and life of them).

My current drama comes from cancer. As I have wrote about in a past blog; I found out just before Thanksgiving and began treatment the week of Christmas. So, as you may expect, the holidays last year were tough. I did not feel like myself and can honestly say I did not enjoy them like I wanted to because I was too busy having thoughts of "What if..." How could I not?!?

Cancer brings drama with it just the same as a person who is not happy with his/her life.

How?

• It does not care about you!
• Causes intense pain, requiring strong meds.
• Also known to cause blood clots.
• Extreme tiredness and fatigue.
• Nausea.
• Low WBC counts (low immunity).
• Numerous tests.
• Harsh treatments (chemo and/or radiation).

A person who is always unhappy will always try to bring another down. Cancer has tried to bring me down and steal my joy to no avail. Instead, it has created my greatest joy; living and loving life! 

Unlike toxic people, I cannot delete cancer from my life. I have had to learn to trust God's will through this and just know He is in control. That has not always been easy because there are parts of this journey that I will never understand, and that is okay. Just like we don't always understand people like Penninah.

But, it is our job to be strong and stand up against those who think they can tear us down. God instilled in me a strong power to fight and make it.

Always have. Always will.

Cancer is Tiring

This is how I have felt for the last couple weeks even though things have been going so well and I have received good reports. I have just been tired. I am thankful to be getting four week break from chemo. That will give me plenty of down time to regroup. My last treatment was just exhausting. I could not do anything that weekend but sleep, and then last weekend I ended up having sinus trouble, which again made me tired.

I have had a very busy couple of weeks medically; preparing for possible surgery. I had an Anoscopy done last Thursday (4/21). Everything turned out great. Dr. Lorenzo could not find the rectal tumor, only a scar there. Tuesday (4/26) I had a CT-guided biopsy of my lower left pelvis - those results are still pending. Hopefully, they come back benign and it is something that can just be removed. Monday, (5/2) I go back to the hospital for a Cystoscopy. After all results are in from these tests I will go back to Dr. Lorenzo and further discuss surgery.

I do have some more good news to post. Starting this week I have a 4 week break from chemo. This is also in preparation for surgery. I am glad to have the break because I can get caught up on more rest and also enjoy things without so much worry. It will be nice.

However, the title of this post is true. Cancer is very tiring... there are things that come with it that just make you tired such as Cancer Related Fatigue. I know some of the things I post about on Facebook and here may seem like a joke, but they are definitely real. The fatigue hits without warning like a ton of bricks. There is no stopping it. Thankfully, it's only happened a couple times.

No matter how tired I get, and how much I don't want to.. I will always keep fighting!

Same Life, New Story: Deborah

Deborah

The biggest "I can't" in my life that I want to change to an "I can" is...

Fighting cancer. There are some days I wish I did not know. But that seems unfair to others, and I would not appreciate life the way I do. I am thankful for that because it has brought me great joy. I make the best of every day even when I do not feel good, because I can.

Each day is an opportunity, the choice is ours as to what we do with it. 

The same is true with my cancer journey. I can be sad and bahumbug about it, or I can not let it drag me down and be a light for others. I chose the latter when I found out about my cancer because I didn't want others feeling sorry for me and showing pity. I think I do fairly well at keeping a "Can do" attitude. It is very important to keep good positive company to ensure that as well. Having "I can't, I don't want to" days happen, but we must not let them take over our story.

"God uses the unlikely to accomplish the impossible." ~ Jan Silvious

Same Life, New Story: Rahab

Rahab

Based on the story of Rahab, I believe I can begin my new story because...

I believe. I believe we all have our chance to make our wrongs right for a better tomorrow. We just have to take that chance while there is still time. Rahab did. She believed that God would spare her and her family through the battle; He did. So, Rahab was able to give up her past of being a harlot and begin a new life with God. We are all given that same opportunity through Christ if we take it.

Also, in this chapter Jan notes the importance of asking yourself how people and situations are going to affect your story you are writing. There have been many times in my adult life that I could have missed out on a lot of trouble and hurt feelings if I had truly listened when others were right, and not been so bull headed. I have finally started seeing the importance of evaluating people and situations in my life since I started this journey last November. I no longer have time for drama or just having someone around for the heck of it, or at their convenience. You're either in it with me or not, your choice.

I have also learned what God takes from you, He replaces with something far better just as He did for Rahab. There have been people and situations removed from my life in recent years and because of that, He has been able to bless my life in ways I would have never dreamed of. I know what the meaning of a true friend is and what it means to be a true friend. I know how to trust that His will is far greater than my own.