Reality Is...

Reality is...

Life does not go as you plan  or sometimes even think it will. I know that my own personal reality has changed over the last few weeks, and I am still coming to terms with/learning to accept it. 

I went over it briefly in my last post - and it seems that I was or even, am okay with it.. I am, but yet I am not. Things can change, and they can change quickly. Mentally, I have spent the last few weeks wondering how long this current chemo regimen will work for me.. no one can answer that. No one knows, but God. It is a challenge to live with so much uncertainty medically. Have I considered a second opinion? Sure. Will I get one? Maybe. 

Let me give you an example of a bad day, and how quickly things can change...

I awoke yesterday morning and took my AM medicines as I always do - which has included a Zofran for the last few days due to some slight nausea. Unfortunately, the Zofran did not have time to work and I threw up everything I had just taken within 15-20 minutes. Right then, my plans for the entire day changed. Instead of writing and going to Bible Study as I had planned to do; I spent the day resting. (Which happened to be an answered prayer for my dear friend Sara at: The Messy Mrs). I'm thankful for that... even though it was not a pretty day inside my mind, I knew to be still and rest.

Uncertainty is hard to live with ya'll, and it is something that I face everyday as a human in the flesh. Do I wish I could have had surgery and possibly been able to close this chapter in my life? Of course. That was my plan, it was my doctors, but it was not God's. You may think, "It should be easy for you to accept God's plan if you believe.." I get that, but the truth is it is not always easy to accept His plan even though we know He has our best interest at heart all the time. I am human, and that part of me wishes that things were different right now.

But they aren't. They are what God intended them to be, not me. Maybe that is why I have tolerated treatment and responded so well, because He knew what lay ahead before I even got here. Maybe that is why it has brought me such joy and afforded me the opportunity of a job, because He wanted me to have true happiness in Him and more meaning to my life than He has already given me. For all this, I am very thankful.

Reality is...

Medicine, God is in control, and He is NOT DONE yet!

Where We Are: My New Normal...

I know I have been rather quiet on here about what has been going on in my life since I began posting about the Bible Study. I apologize as I know there are some who get updates from here; and some of you simply like the way I write.

In my last post I mentioned I would be taking a break from chemo to prepare for surgery and that would be discussed with Dr. Lorenzo during the next visit on 5/12. The appointment has come and gone, but it did not go as we were expecting -- (discussion of how the operation would be done and what recovery would be like). Instead, we discussed why surgery was not my best option. Obviously, this not what I was prepared to talk about, but was very comforted by the doctor in the confidence she displayed and her words.

It turns out the spot in my lower left pelvis is only one lymph node that is cancerous. It cannot be removed surgically safely because of the location. Dr. Lorenzo said if she did go in and remove it that I likely would not be able to sit on my bottom anymore and the pain would be unbearable. Basically, it comes down to continuing to have a good quality of life, which would not be with surgery. I would also need chemo even after surgery. So, why cause unnecessary pain and diminish quality of life when what we have been doing is still working? Surgery was pointless, really.

So where are we? We are now in the maintenance phase of my care. I will always be on some form of chemo from here on out. This has been tough to process and accept this week. Dr. Tran was basically on the same page as Dr. L... so I knew what to expect at my appointment Wed., but that did not make it any easier. Each day does get a little easier though. Basically, my cancer is being treated as a chronic illness (think diabetes or fibro) and being managed with the chemo.

I know I am not the author of my story. God is. His plan is greater and better than anything I think I should be doing in my life. I am already seeing why His plan is greater. First and foremost, I can still live my life to its fullest potential and do not have to spend it in my hospital bed because I am not able to sit up. I have also been given an opportunity to have a job one day a week; something I did not think would ever happen in my life... but... God had better plans!