March 5, 2015

The Other Side of Me

Most of the time, what you see is what you get, a very happy and positive woman who doesn't let Cerebral Palsy get in her way of living. I do just about everything anyone else does from taking care of myself to keeping a house in order.

However,  there is a side of me that most do not see. A part of me that longs for understanding and consideration. A part of me, that is even difficult for me to accept.

If you know me on a personal level then you know I am a very social person. I love being the life of the party, the social butterfly who mingles well in a crowd. I greatly enjoy going to live music performances. Music is therapy. It is my escape from everyday life. I also enjoy having dinner or just chatting over a cup of coffee or glass of tea.

For me, this part of my life has been lacking for a while. I handle it fine, for the most part. But,  there are times when it gets to me, when I reach my breaking point and cannot take anymore. This is the part of me that no one sees. This is the part of me that screams from the inside and wants to be heard. I go through feelings of being forgotten by my peers and thinking that if I could just drive myself around it wouldn't be that way. I would be included and thought of more. I wouldn't feel like my attempts to make plans were void.

I am not saying any of this for pity.  I'm saying it to speak out. To be heard. I realize that times have changed and most people I know are busy with their lives. I know you have jobs, kids, husbands, and wives. All of that comes first as it should. Sometimes though, I want to be invited out to do things by my peers without having to be the first to make contact and suggest such.

This is not something that I just started dealing with. I have dealt with this issue since my teen years. Most of my time then was spent on AOL, that's where most of my social activity took place. Other than that I was with my cousin and her friends or my sister and her friends.  Their friends became mine. The friends I had at school were just that, friends at school. Today, while I know many people I do not get to see them as often as I would like for reasons mentioned above. I spend a lot of time on Facebook or watching TV. I am also a gamer which gives me another way to connect to to people. While this helps me pass the time that I spend alone,  this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

I have not dated for two years and this is certainly not a plea for a date, but we all know that Mr. or Mrs. Right does not just magically appear at your doorstep one day. You've got to have some kind of active social life to really meet people.

So, what I am saying is I would like help in building my social life again. Do you want to go out for a cup of coffee and not have to go alone? Call me. I will gladly join you. I also need you to understand that there are reasons why I do not drive and those should be respected, not questioned. As for my wheelchair, I cannot help how heavy it is. I am able to get in and out of a car on my own but anything other than that (SUV, truck, van) I have to be lifted in and out of it.

If you have read this far thank you. It is not often that I share these kind of feelings publicly, but I have reached a point where I am ok with it because I realize people do not understand what they do not know. I wanted you to realize that my life is not always what you see. I have bad days too and often they are mentally and emotionally exhausting, but I make the best of them just like any other day.

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