Where Do We Go From Here? (5/22/16) ~ Emotions and Feelings (5/27/16)

Where Do We Go From Here?

 I am hoping to have a better understanding of this very question. It is a difficult question to have in your mind.  I see Dr. Tran Wednesday afternoon and am eager to speak to him about treatment options.

I will not give up this fight. I have too many people fighting for me that are doing so because they love and care about me! I realize I cannot write worth a flip at night. But one day, all this mumbo jumbo will make some kind of sense!

OK! Let's try last nights entry again with clearer thoughts and better handwriting!

Where do we go from here?

Since finding out surgery was not the best option for me, this question has been on my mind. I know we will continue chemo. What kind? Are there any clinical trials i can do. All of these questions will be answered when I see Dr. Tran Wednesday afternoon. My hope is he will have good things to say in light of not having surgery. I also hope that after talking with him the acceptance will come easier. For now, I am just ready to start treatment again.

Off Chemo(5/9/16) ~ Meeting with Dr. Lorenzo (5/12/16)

Off Chemo

I am glad to say I have enjoyed being off treatment. I was able to thoroughly enjoy a family camping trip in the mountains. We had a lot of good fellowship. It was much needed for everyone. I honestly can't wait to do it again. We were able to spend time with some extended family on the trip as well. Dad's brother Mickey, Aunt Wilma and their grands went too. It was awesome to hang out with everyone. We of course did a little shopping while we were there. Then, on our last day; sis, Colton, and I stayed behind and we went to Gatlinburg and spent the day. We went through the Hollywood wax museum, a car museum, and ate lunch at Dick's Last Resort. It was all a lot of fun! Like I said, I can't wait to do it again. I love the mountains!

Even though I am off chemo in preparation for surgery I still have moments. I got upset and cried the other night. I had not done that in a long time. I just got overwhelmed thinking about all I have to deal with day in and day out. Medicines, counts, etc. But I have to remember God is in control, not me and there will be victory in this fight.

The Beginning - Port Placement (12/17/15) ~ Not Me - Anxiety/Bad Nerves (12/1/15)

Today really marks the start of my battle against cancer. This afternoon I had the surgery to place my port for chemotherapy. The operation id not take long and I was very comfortable with my medical team.

I am definitely sore; hoping to have that gone by Monday! Having the port will take some getting use to, but I'll do it!

Today's verse is very fitting. (There are Bible verses at the end of each page in my journal). He will/does rescue us! I feel like He is already rescuing me. I know His hand is upon me through this entire journey. He has been preparing me for a while!

What makes everything so peaceful and reassuring is knowing that He loved me enough to prepare me for this journey and I am ready!

________________________________________________

Over the last couple weeks I have noticed (as have others) that I have been a bit more on edge, and more outspoken than normal. I am sure it is a combination of meds and pain. Things that normally wouldn't bother me seem to drive me up the wall; which bothers me even more. I speak before thinking. . . . more than before. However, I can control my nerves, sometimes I have to remind myself it is not just me dealing with this, and that some of the things that bother me, I need to learn to overlook because it is not a big deal. (i.e. a rattling chip bag).

Blessed

This past week was my off week from treatment. I felt great nearly all week and was able to get in some much needed sister time!

Most importantly this week I realized how truly blessed I am. I have been doing very well about writing in my prayer journal everyday, and I have noticed quite a few of my prayers have been answered this week. Often times, I don't take time to stop and think about what I have asked God for, and notice if it came to pass or not. This week, I have tried my best to pay attention, and have seen things come to pass.

One day I asked God to let me have a good appetite. This prayer was answered almost immediately. I had 3 good meals that day and when I said my prayers for the evening I made sure to thank Him for answering this small prayer for me. Having a good appetite makes a big difference in the day. I also asked for pain free days, and everyday this week has been pain free except for two very short,  intense spells mid week.

Through these little prayers and giving thanks I received a big blessing this past week! On Friday, January 15 I received an unexpected phone call from my Nurse Practitioner. I thought she was just calling to check in and see how things were going as this is how the conversation began... then she says, "Have you heard the news?" I've no clue what she is talking about... she reads me the letter...

My new wheelchair was approved!!!

I instantly began to cry tears of JOY! I did not expect to hear this anytime soon. We had just submitted an emergency appeal the week before and I didn't think it would go through honestly. Apparently, God had other plans ya'll and I am so glad. I should have my new wheels around the second week of February! I am looking forward to getting them. Everything is going to be so much easier as far as being transported... Mom will be able to put the new chair in her car a whole lot easier than my current one. It's going to be a lot easier for me to get around in as well.

Pictures to come as soon as we pick it up!

Love & Hugs,

Crystal

Quick Round Up - New Year/Fun/Word of the Year

My first selfies of the New Year with a new hoodie and boggan on. :) The new year has started off great for me. This is one of the first years in a long time that I did not even watch the ball drop... I usually always watch that.. but just didn't care to this year.

I had a great first weekend of 2016 as well as the week leading up to said weekend. It was an off week for treatment so I tried to do something fun everyday and I am happy to say I was successful. I was able to spend time with my best friend Cassie while she was in from WA visiting and felt well enough to get out and have Japanese for lunch over the weekend which I greatly enjoyed.

Best Friends since we were babies!

I was able to go to church Sunday morning with Erin and Terry. It was great to see everyone there as it always is. The sermon was very spot on with my life at this time. Pastor D talked to us about trusting God and the people He places in our lives. There is a reason for everything that goes on it our lives, even the people we meet!!

I was also able to figure out what my word is for the year. Everything that I have heard, seen, and read this year regarding my faith has lead me back to the word Trust. I feel like God placed me on this journey so I would learn to trust Him more through all things in my life. So, I am trusting in Him that I will make it through this journey... and I am trusting that I will find a Godly companion this year.. I really hope I do.

Tomorrow is another big day, round 2 of treatment so just continue to bare with me for updates this week. I should be starting radiation as well.

Love and Hugs,

Crystal

Bad Times Bring Great Times

Well, readers,

It looks like you are going to have to bare with me for updates... treatment went well, but let it be known it is ROUGH. I cannot really put it into words other than to say, I did not feel like me and I did not like it. I am a very busy person and I am not use to not feeling the least bit well. The first 2 days after treatment I felt like total crap. I did not want to talk to anyone, text anyone, muchless try to update this. So, bare with me.

I am happy to report that the past two days have been very good days. Both of my best friends were able to see me on good days, which was for sure a blessing.

Christmas, it was rough but I did my best to enjoy it. I received several cards and gifts from friends and family. My most favorite gift came from my sister. My first pair of cowgirl boots!! I have been on the hunt for some for a long time that I would be able to put on myself (zip up the side)... she found them. :)

My appetite has just started returning over the last couple days as well. I am thankful to have so much time before my next treatment because it gives me time to enjoy food.. and have some fun days with family and friends. These good days are very much needed and very much appreciated.

With that said, I am going to go enjoy reading or coloring for a while before going to sleep. Maybe my next post will be from my new 2 in 1 laptop/tablet I hope to purchase before returning to treatment on Jan. 5!

Love and Hugs

I Am Not Afraid

The picture really sums up this entire blog post.
God told us all not to be afraid one time for everyday of the year.
How awesome is that?
We all should live everyday, fearless. Yet, He knows we are human.
As humans it is natural for us to fear things, especially things that involve uncertainties.

Cancer can and often does involve many uncertainties. The majority of people are naturally afraid of it. They cannot bear the thought of it and do not like to even speak the word. I totally understand all of this. What I am about to say is not meant to be taken as me having a better than you attitude...

I am not afraid. I know, that is probably hard for you to believe... because who in their right mind would not be afraid of a cancer diagnosis, right?

It is true. I am not afraid. God has been preparing me for something big for a couple years now, a couple of times.. I thought I knew was it was, but I believe it was just more preparation for this journey. My hope and trust lies with Him.

As I told my pastor, I am ready to run this race and win!

Love and Hugs

Follow Your Arrow

Often times in our lives we do not pay attention to the path that lead us to a certain point. We are human and tend to just... well, live. There is a country song that says, "Follow your arrow wherever in points." No doubt, I am. :)

I have paid attention to the path my life has been on this year, and it has lead me exactly to where I am today. Every event that has taken place in my life this year has lead me here and I could not be more grateful. I have felt God this year. His presence has been strong. I will even go as far as to say I have seen him in people that I have encountered and formed relationships with. I have no doubt of that.

Earlier this year, I wrote my testimony about how I had made changes in my life, let God have control.. and couldn't wait to see where it lead me. You can find it here. Is it true that it has lead me into unexpected territory, yes because I did not expect news like I have received so young. However, as I stated on Facebook; I have always been somewhat mentally prepared for an event such as this to take place in my life. Why? I do not really know.

I do not like that I am having to go through any of this: the pain, treatments, sickness, weakness.. it isn't fun, and my journey is just getting started; but I know He is going to see me through and He is going to be glorified through out all of this. He is with me every step because He already knew we were going to be on this journey. Can someone say Amen?

Friends, I am confident that everything is going to be okay. I have trust and peace with my team of doctors that only comes from God. I should not be so "okay" with having cancer. I should be saying this isn't happening to me, why me right at the holidays? I don't deserve this. I should be angry. I should be hurting. Once again, I am not. Why? Because, He came before me on this journey and He is with me now.

I have cancer. So what. I have a life to keep living.

Love and Hugs

P.S. Will post a medical update tomorrow.

Tomorrow: The Beginning of An Unexpected Chapter

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, the day after today, that is what tomorrow is, right?

Yes, but it is not just tomorrow for me, my family, my best friends. It is the beginning of a new chapter in all of our lives. This chapter is going to be full of many many ups and downs. Let's just be blunt. It IS going to be a chaotic roller coaster in every way possible. There is no way around that, but we will make it like we always do! Nothing is going to stop us. Ok, so what I am rambling about?

Here you go. I was admitted into the hospital on November 18 due to severe nausea, and other things related to that. I was given a couple bags of fluid and medicines to help with nausea etc. while in the ER. Also, while there they did a CT Scan of my abdomen and ran tests on a stool sample. The sample came back positive for C. Diff, which is an infection of the intestines. (Bad bacteria takes over in your GI tract). The CT Scan did not show any obstructions in the bowel. However, the doctor told us they did find a mass and a spot on my liver. I think we all just kinda sat there at that point. I don't know how my parents felt mentally or emotionally then. I began to prepare myself for the news that would follow a couple days later, I just had a gut feeling and knew.

I get to my room Wednesday morning around 9:00 a.m. or so. I am starving by this time because I have not had anything to eat or drink for quite sometime. Of course, I am on a clear liquid diet. [CLD]. That evening I have to drink the lovely drink that preps you for a colonoscopy. *I have a trick for drinking this, flavor it with water flavoring drops, except for red.* Thursday morning I have an ultrasound done of my liver, and then that evening around 5:00 I have the colonoscopy done. The results come back, and the mass that was found on the CT Scan is in my colon/rectum. We have to wait a while for pathology reports to come back but the surgeon was positive the mass was malignant (cancerous) To make an already long story short: most of the pain that I have been having for the last several months that was thought to be many other things, turned out to be colon cancer.

Yes, I said/thought/typed the word that no one likes to hear. Does it bother me? Not at all. Remember, I had a gut feeling after the results of the CT Scan came back showing a mass. So, I've had time to process the fact that I have cancer. Now, we treat it. Tomorrow is the first step. My first appointment with my oncologist, and Friday I will see my colorectal surgeon. Am I afraid of this new chapter that is being written in my life? No. I have always had a hunch that I would experience something like this in my lifetime. I know, it is odd to think that way, but I do so that if something does take place it is not such a shock for me. I am glad I am able to do that.

So, now we put on our armor and we fight this battle headstrong! 

For anyonne who may read this I would like to ask, if you have scripture or a quote that encourages you, please share it with me here or on Facebook. You may also email them to me at: prettigirlsmiles@gmail.com I am writing each of them down in a journal that I will take with me to treatment so I will always be encouraged by friends and family while they cannot be with me.

We can all rest in knowing that God allowed this to happen for a reason and He will be GLORIFIED in the end!!

I am not asking for much from anyone. Just be encouraging, not just to me, but each other as well.

Hugs & Love

Humbled.

Humbled.

Yes. I am. I have been following a fellow blogger for nearly three years now. She and I quickly became cyber-friends after she introduced me to Cerebral Palsy Family Network and asked me if I would be interested in writing for them about living with Cerebral Palsy. Her name is Lisa Viele. 

During the past three years I have learned a lot more about Cerebral Palsy and how everyone's challenges are different; not just the individuals but also their families. I use to always think this kind of life was a "piece of cake" despite the challenges my family and I have endured, but it is not always that way. It is not always as easy as I have been fortunate to have it.

Lisa's daughters' story is a perfect example of this for me. Lizzy is 15 years old. Lizzy cannot speak and is also legally blind. She has seizures. Her mother cares for her 24/7. Remember, I just said that I thought this was easy. When I began to read Lisa's blog and chat with her via Facebook I started to realize that was not the case for everyone. I quickly learned that sometimes it is extremely frustrating trying to figure out what is wrong with your child or to understand what the doctors may be telling you in regards to what is best for your child and their well being. 

I have always bragged on my Mom and what an awesome job she has done over the years regarding my medical decisions growing up. She did the best she could with the information given - just like Lisa has for Lizzy. Today. Today it hit me. It was somewhat easy for my mom and myself because I could tell her when and where I was hurting and what degree of pain I was in. It was not a guessing game for her. She didn't have to hope that medicine worked because I could tell her if it did or not. I am 100% aware of what is going on in the world around me, meaning, the world we all live in and the world of living with physical challenges. I have always known what the doctors were talking about when it came time for surgery and how intense therapy would be. I still know what I need to do to keep myself healthy and am able to fully take care of myself on my own. I will say, this was not a certain milestone for me as my mom was not sure I would be able to do so with certainty until I was in my late teenage and early adult years.

So, today I am thankful and I am humbled to be where I am in my life today. I am so blessed and blessed to have such a sweet connection with Lisa even if only through cyberspace [for now]. I cannot thank her enough for sharing CPFN with me three years ago, and for the friendship that continues to grow. I am thankful to know that it is not always a piece of cake. I am thankful to know it's okay to write about the not so good times. [I always hide those].

Thank you Lisa and Lizzy for humbling me. I love you! May we always find strength in our faith and each other!

You can read more about Lizzy's journey here at: Diving For Healing

Proverbs 20:22,24

I decided to take the blog in a new direction today, to do something different. I have been reading the book of Proverbs [NLT Version]. This morning in my reading these two verses really stuck out to me and I immediately had to share them on social media.

I feel like both verses are something most everyone can relate to at just about any given time.

We have all been wronged by someone and sought to get even with them. I know I have been here. It's a definite struggle. We tend to want to handle things our way, and we learn most of the time that our way is not always best. If we pray and talk to God about something someone has done to us, we need to learn to leave the problem there. He will take care of it for us. Therefore, we needn't worry about it anymore. [Yes, I know, that is easier said than done].

Many times in my reading through Proverbs I have read about God directing our steps or has a better plan for us. I am working on this very thing in my life right now. Trusting where He is leading me and not trying to question or figure it all out. Sometimes, things in our life are not meant to be understood. We just need to sit back and let Him steer for we will not go astray!

God Knows What Time It Is: Reaching Others Through Social Media

That's right friends! God knows what time it is. He knows that we live in in time of Facebook,Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest. He knows that we live in a fast-paced world where having a front porch chat with your neighbor is seemingly unheard of.

My last post here was my personal testimony about letting God take control of my life. He has!!

Friends, I gave up the party life to live for Him and I am rewarded daily. I have asked Him to use me. Let me be a light to others. He is!

How you say?

Right now, I am seeing it through my social media outlets. Likes, shares, comments, etc. It is a blessing to me to know that I am reaching YOU through these outlets, even this blog.

He gave me the gift of writing. I have blessed many with this talent over the last 3 years and I am thankful for that and will continue to do so with whatever comes to mind.  My blog posts may not get many comments, likes, or shares.. but that is okay because they reach someone.

If you are struggling today thinking He cannot use you or you feel like you are not doing enough for Him, ask Him to use you and let Him have control and do what He wants to do; not what YOU want to do.

God can use anyone and anything to reach His people. :)

I Let Go, I Let God - My Personal Testimony

We have all heard the phrase "Let Go and Let God." at some point in our lives. I know I have many a time in my life.

Today, I am going to take you on a brief journey of how I have come to know the meaning of this phrase in my own life.

I have always known who God was/is. My grandparents taught me about spirituality and I attended church with them growing up. I began to pray before I was ever saved. At 7 years of age I can remember lying in bed at night with a prayer cloth which had been given to me by a pastor; praying that by Jesus stripes I would be healed. At 9 years of age, I prayed what to me would be my first real, heartfelt prayer. I prayed that God would take care of me and guide my doctors during surgery before going back to the OR (03-10-1993). When I got back to the OR my doctor told me everything would be fine. I knew then that He had heard my prayer. It has been 22 years since I have been back in the OR for any kind of surgery pertaining to my having Cerebral Palsy. Thank you Jesus!

Two years later, the summer of 1995; I asked Jesus into my heart during VBS and was also baptized.

Fast forward to my early twenties. At this time, I had moved away from home and was a college student. Church was not a big part of my life, but this was the time when I began keeping a prayer journal as a means of how I pray. After coming back home, I didn't go to church much at all and was very busy living an ungodly life to be honest.

Now here I am in my early 30's. The last two years of my life have been full of many ups and downs, highs and lows and plenty of soul searching. While I relied on God to get me through this difficult time in my life, I was still looking for love in all the wrong places if you will. In mid April of this year, I decided I was done with that life. I knew that the kind of person I really want to spend the rest of my life with was not going to be found in the places I was hanging out. My sister bought me a Bible I had been looking at for a while and I've read almost every day since. I have started going back to church on a regular basis as well. I have learned so much from my own personal reading as well as church sermons in the last two months. I cannot get enough! It is amazing when you can truly understand what you are reading and what you are hearing. I have also started worshiping through music and sometimes all I can do is cry while I am listening or even writing. Feeling the Spirit and knowing that He is near is the most awesome feeling I have ever felt.

It may have taken me 20 years to get here, but I have no doubt that I am where I need to be. Where I am SUPPOSED to be. I had so much peace with this decision, peace like I've never felt before.

I am so glad to have this outlet, because maybe; just maybe someone will come to know their Savior through reading my testimony.

The Confident Woman: Prayer of Consecration

Day 12: Prayer of Consecration

Isaiah 6:8

In my walk with God and as a Christian, this is one of my biggest struggles. I have been saved since I was 11 years old. I believe. I have faith. I pray. However, I am still not sure I've given all of me to Him. I have friends who are able to stand up and say they have done this, and that all they do is for Him. I admire them for this. 

I have tried to be like this over the years in my walk with God. When I do this, however, I do not feel like me and I'm left with an uneasy feeling. 

Is it just me?

The Confident Woman: When You Feel Afraid

"Fear does not mean you are a coward. It only means that you need to be willing to feel the fear and do what you need to do anyway." ~Joyce Meyer

Day 2: When You Feel Afraid
Ezra 3:3-4

There have been many times in my life. It is human nature to do so. One that has particularly always stood out to me is the fear I would have when it came time for me to have surgery. I can remember being afraid of the OR. I did not even like going past it during a regular visit. I was also afraid of waking up during surgery. But, I always stepped out on faith and trusted that everything would be okay. I was a brave little soldier. I can vividly remember facing my fear and pressing forward when I went in for my last hip surgery. I sat in the window seat before time to go back and I prayed that everything would be okay and I would not wake up during surgery. I called my Granny and told her I had prayed and I loved her. When it was time for me to go back for surgery my Dad carried me back to the OR as we were walking there I continued to pray. At 9 years old I stepped out on faith and believed with everything I had. Now 20 years later I am still kickin' and my hip is still in place.'

I think society plays a role in the way women let fear take over in life sometimes, because we are seen as the weaker sex. But, we need to stand strong in our faith and just face our fear, whatever it may be. When we face our fears head on it makes us stronger and more confident, and most of all builds our faith!

Time with God

How do you spend time with God? Do you sing, pray aloud, read His Word.. talk to others about Him?

I spend my time with Him by writing in a prayer book not only for myself but others as well. I do this, because I personally do not like praying aloud. I like to write things out so I can see them and also refer to them later. I have been spending a lot of time writing in my prayer journal over the last few weeks. It is a comfort and a release for me. I am so glad I chose to do this. I have learned so much through it, especially this last week. I've prayed/wrote many a prayer for those I know battling sickness, for our finances and many other different things. All of these prayers have been answered, not on my time, but His. I prayed the prayer for our finances a couple months ago and had just started to lose hope that something better would come through for us, just as I started having that little bit of doubt, God came through for us once again. I have learned through writing my prayers down that He really does answer them and sometimes, its not right then. He kind of makes it suspenseful for us at times and makes us wonder, them BAM! there it is! I've had my prayer journal for a year, but just really started using it this year. It has made such a difference for me and I am glad I can read older entries and know without a doubt that those prayers have been answered in some form or fashion. It amazes me and it is such a blessing.

Thank you Lord for answering each and every prayer not in my time, but Yours. Thank you for the wonderful people I have in my life to share such wonderful things with. Amen!

I hope everyone has a blessed weekend!

The Impact of a Letter

I do not do this often, but I took time out for just me this evening. I excused myself to my room and geared up Netflix. I then searched for a movie I have been wanting to see titled Letters to God. I thought it would be appropriate for me to watch alone and I'm glad I chose to do so.

The story behind the movie really tugged at my heart. I will not ruin it and type the story here, all I will say is God chooses certain people for different things in this big journey of life. The main character showed his faith in God through his letters. You may be thinking, letters? God won't read those. Let me tell you, He does. I have my own personal notebook just for that. I started it last year. I didn't write in it a whole lot, but so far this year I am off to a good start. I find it very relaxing to do this. I'm not one who likes to pray aloud, so I thought this would be a great way to make sure I communicate with Him. In the short time that I have been writing, prayers have been answered; even the smallest ones.

My challenge to you: Take time out and watch this movie, then write your own Letters and see what happens! It's nothing short of amazing when you see and realize that He has blessed you!