Off Chemo(5/9/16) ~ Meeting with Dr. Lorenzo (5/12/16)

Off Chemo

I am glad to say I have enjoyed being off treatment. I was able to thoroughly enjoy a family camping trip in the mountains. We had a lot of good fellowship. It was much needed for everyone. I honestly can't wait to do it again. We were able to spend time with some extended family on the trip as well. Dad's brother Mickey, Aunt Wilma and their grands went too. It was awesome to hang out with everyone. We of course did a little shopping while we were there. Then, on our last day; sis, Colton, and I stayed behind and we went to Gatlinburg and spent the day. We went through the Hollywood wax museum, a car museum, and ate lunch at Dick's Last Resort. It was all a lot of fun! Like I said, I can't wait to do it again. I love the mountains!

Even though I am off chemo in preparation for surgery I still have moments. I got upset and cried the other night. I had not done that in a long time. I just got overwhelmed thinking about all I have to deal with day in and day out. Medicines, counts, etc. But I have to remember God is in control, not me and there will be victory in this fight.

Friends - They're Important (1/2/16) ~ Preparation: Treatment Week 2 (1/3/16)

I have continued to make the absolute best days out of this off week! I've been out of the house a few times and was able to treat myself to a new gadget that will help pass the time on chemo days. I also found great joy in coloring again, it'd been a while.

Most of all, I have found the importance of having friends and why they're a vital part of our lives. They keep us happy, vibrant, abnd full of life. My friends and family have really made this week a blast!

This week has been full of:

JOY!

As long as I have God, family, and my friends I know I will make it through this cause they are all a girl needs!!

God is good through all times in our lives! He loves us through our darkest and makes our bright days brighter!
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I was able to attend church this morning for at least one more time before my immunity lowers too much. I am glad because it was a great way to prepare for the week ahead. Round 2 of treatment begins Tuesday at 8:30.

The sermon this morning was great preparation for being able to trust Him through tough times this week. It was a refreshing reminder that was much needed!

Tonight's verse is also:

All of the struggle will be for good! Romans 8:28

The Beginning - Port Placement (12/17/15) ~ Not Me - Anxiety/Bad Nerves (12/1/15)

Today really marks the start of my battle against cancer. This afternoon I had the surgery to place my port for chemotherapy. The operation id not take long and I was very comfortable with my medical team.

I am definitely sore; hoping to have that gone by Monday! Having the port will take some getting use to, but I'll do it!

Today's verse is very fitting. (There are Bible verses at the end of each page in my journal). He will/does rescue us! I feel like He is already rescuing me. I know His hand is upon me through this entire journey. He has been preparing me for a while!

What makes everything so peaceful and reassuring is knowing that He loved me enough to prepare me for this journey and I am ready!

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Over the last couple weeks I have noticed (as have others) that I have been a bit more on edge, and more outspoken than normal. I am sure it is a combination of meds and pain. Things that normally wouldn't bother me seem to drive me up the wall; which bothers me even more. I speak before thinking. . . . more than before. However, I can control my nerves, sometimes I have to remind myself it is not just me dealing with this, and that some of the things that bother me, I need to learn to overlook because it is not a big deal. (i.e. a rattling chip bag).

Reality Is...

Reality is...

Life does not go as you plan  or sometimes even think it will. I know that my own personal reality has changed over the last few weeks, and I am still coming to terms with/learning to accept it. 

I went over it briefly in my last post - and it seems that I was or even, am okay with it.. I am, but yet I am not. Things can change, and they can change quickly. Mentally, I have spent the last few weeks wondering how long this current chemo regimen will work for me.. no one can answer that. No one knows, but God. It is a challenge to live with so much uncertainty medically. Have I considered a second opinion? Sure. Will I get one? Maybe. 

Let me give you an example of a bad day, and how quickly things can change...

I awoke yesterday morning and took my AM medicines as I always do - which has included a Zofran for the last few days due to some slight nausea. Unfortunately, the Zofran did not have time to work and I threw up everything I had just taken within 15-20 minutes. Right then, my plans for the entire day changed. Instead of writing and going to Bible Study as I had planned to do; I spent the day resting. (Which happened to be an answered prayer for my dear friend Sara at: The Messy Mrs). I'm thankful for that... even though it was not a pretty day inside my mind, I knew to be still and rest.

Uncertainty is hard to live with ya'll, and it is something that I face everyday as a human in the flesh. Do I wish I could have had surgery and possibly been able to close this chapter in my life? Of course. That was my plan, it was my doctors, but it was not God's. You may think, "It should be easy for you to accept God's plan if you believe.." I get that, but the truth is it is not always easy to accept His plan even though we know He has our best interest at heart all the time. I am human, and that part of me wishes that things were different right now.

But they aren't. They are what God intended them to be, not me. Maybe that is why I have tolerated treatment and responded so well, because He knew what lay ahead before I even got here. Maybe that is why it has brought me such joy and afforded me the opportunity of a job, because He wanted me to have true happiness in Him and more meaning to my life than He has already given me. For all this, I am very thankful.

Reality is...

Medicine, God is in control, and He is NOT DONE yet!

Where We Are: My New Normal...

I know I have been rather quiet on here about what has been going on in my life since I began posting about the Bible Study. I apologize as I know there are some who get updates from here; and some of you simply like the way I write.

In my last post I mentioned I would be taking a break from chemo to prepare for surgery and that would be discussed with Dr. Lorenzo during the next visit on 5/12. The appointment has come and gone, but it did not go as we were expecting -- (discussion of how the operation would be done and what recovery would be like). Instead, we discussed why surgery was not my best option. Obviously, this not what I was prepared to talk about, but was very comforted by the doctor in the confidence she displayed and her words.

It turns out the spot in my lower left pelvis is only one lymph node that is cancerous. It cannot be removed surgically safely because of the location. Dr. Lorenzo said if she did go in and remove it that I likely would not be able to sit on my bottom anymore and the pain would be unbearable. Basically, it comes down to continuing to have a good quality of life, which would not be with surgery. I would also need chemo even after surgery. So, why cause unnecessary pain and diminish quality of life when what we have been doing is still working? Surgery was pointless, really.

So where are we? We are now in the maintenance phase of my care. I will always be on some form of chemo from here on out. This has been tough to process and accept this week. Dr. Tran was basically on the same page as Dr. L... so I knew what to expect at my appointment Wed., but that did not make it any easier. Each day does get a little easier though. Basically, my cancer is being treated as a chronic illness (think diabetes or fibro) and being managed with the chemo.

I know I am not the author of my story. God is. His plan is greater and better than anything I think I should be doing in my life. I am already seeing why His plan is greater. First and foremost, I can still live my life to its fullest potential and do not have to spend it in my hospital bed because I am not able to sit up. I have also been given an opportunity to have a job one day a week; something I did not think would ever happen in my life... but... God had better plans!

Same Life, New Story: Anna

Anna

The biggest what-might-have-been I need to eliminate in my life is...

Well, let's just be honest here shall we...

What if I did not have cancer at 31 years old?

I would not appreciate life the way I do now; one moment at a time. I probably would still be looking to go out every weekend to listen to a band, still searching for that person to fill my hearts void in all the wrong places. I would still be a very restless person.

But, just like Anna I am slowly learning how to content myself until that void is filled in my life. What is it being filled with now, you ask? God. I have learned that if I do not keep Him and His Word in my mind and heart that is when I begin to have anxious thoughts and is often when I feel the most loneliness.

I am going to be real again; being single and fighting cancer has been a tough fight all its own. I have often thought to myself if that would ever happen again, because now not only am I in a wheelchair, but I also have cancer - 2 strikes from being out for some (just being honest)...

That is when I have finally learned to fill that empty filling with God and His promises, and if it be His will, He will fulfill the desire of my heart with a Godly man. For now, I will continue learning and growing in Him like /Anna did. I will not let Satan get in the way and steal the joy I have found.

If you are living in a past of "what-ifs" bring yourself into the "what-is" with God at the forefront and He will lead you into your future of "what-will-be", and you won't be left to wander!

Same Life, New Story: Deborah

Deborah

The biggest "I can't" in my life that I want to change to an "I can" is...

Fighting cancer. There are some days I wish I did not know. But that seems unfair to others, and I would not appreciate life the way I do. I am thankful for that because it has brought me great joy. I make the best of every day even when I do not feel good, because I can.

Each day is an opportunity, the choice is ours as to what we do with it. 

The same is true with my cancer journey. I can be sad and bahumbug about it, or I can not let it drag me down and be a light for others. I chose the latter when I found out about my cancer because I didn't want others feeling sorry for me and showing pity. I think I do fairly well at keeping a "Can do" attitude. It is very important to keep good positive company to ensure that as well. Having "I can't, I don't want to" days happen, but we must not let them take over our story.

"God uses the unlikely to accomplish the impossible." ~ Jan Silvious

I Am Not Afraid

The picture really sums up this entire blog post.
God told us all not to be afraid one time for everyday of the year.
How awesome is that?
We all should live everyday, fearless. Yet, He knows we are human.
As humans it is natural for us to fear things, especially things that involve uncertainties.

Cancer can and often does involve many uncertainties. The majority of people are naturally afraid of it. They cannot bear the thought of it and do not like to even speak the word. I totally understand all of this. What I am about to say is not meant to be taken as me having a better than you attitude...

I am not afraid. I know, that is probably hard for you to believe... because who in their right mind would not be afraid of a cancer diagnosis, right?

It is true. I am not afraid. God has been preparing me for something big for a couple years now, a couple of times.. I thought I knew was it was, but I believe it was just more preparation for this journey. My hope and trust lies with Him.

As I told my pastor, I am ready to run this race and win!

Love and Hugs

Follow Your Arrow

Often times in our lives we do not pay attention to the path that lead us to a certain point. We are human and tend to just... well, live. There is a country song that says, "Follow your arrow wherever in points." No doubt, I am. :)

I have paid attention to the path my life has been on this year, and it has lead me exactly to where I am today. Every event that has taken place in my life this year has lead me here and I could not be more grateful. I have felt God this year. His presence has been strong. I will even go as far as to say I have seen him in people that I have encountered and formed relationships with. I have no doubt of that.

Earlier this year, I wrote my testimony about how I had made changes in my life, let God have control.. and couldn't wait to see where it lead me. You can find it here. Is it true that it has lead me into unexpected territory, yes because I did not expect news like I have received so young. However, as I stated on Facebook; I have always been somewhat mentally prepared for an event such as this to take place in my life. Why? I do not really know.

I do not like that I am having to go through any of this: the pain, treatments, sickness, weakness.. it isn't fun, and my journey is just getting started; but I know He is going to see me through and He is going to be glorified through out all of this. He is with me every step because He already knew we were going to be on this journey. Can someone say Amen?

Friends, I am confident that everything is going to be okay. I have trust and peace with my team of doctors that only comes from God. I should not be so "okay" with having cancer. I should be saying this isn't happening to me, why me right at the holidays? I don't deserve this. I should be angry. I should be hurting. Once again, I am not. Why? Because, He came before me on this journey and He is with me now.

I have cancer. So what. I have a life to keep living.

Love and Hugs

P.S. Will post a medical update tomorrow.

God Knows What Time It Is: Reaching Others Through Social Media

That's right friends! God knows what time it is. He knows that we live in in time of Facebook,Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest. He knows that we live in a fast-paced world where having a front porch chat with your neighbor is seemingly unheard of.

My last post here was my personal testimony about letting God take control of my life. He has!!

Friends, I gave up the party life to live for Him and I am rewarded daily. I have asked Him to use me. Let me be a light to others. He is!

How you say?

Right now, I am seeing it through my social media outlets. Likes, shares, comments, etc. It is a blessing to me to know that I am reaching YOU through these outlets, even this blog.

He gave me the gift of writing. I have blessed many with this talent over the last 3 years and I am thankful for that and will continue to do so with whatever comes to mind.  My blog posts may not get many comments, likes, or shares.. but that is okay because they reach someone.

If you are struggling today thinking He cannot use you or you feel like you are not doing enough for Him, ask Him to use you and let Him have control and do what He wants to do; not what YOU want to do.

God can use anyone and anything to reach His people. :)

I Let Go, I Let God - My Personal Testimony

We have all heard the phrase "Let Go and Let God." at some point in our lives. I know I have many a time in my life.

Today, I am going to take you on a brief journey of how I have come to know the meaning of this phrase in my own life.

I have always known who God was/is. My grandparents taught me about spirituality and I attended church with them growing up. I began to pray before I was ever saved. At 7 years of age I can remember lying in bed at night with a prayer cloth which had been given to me by a pastor; praying that by Jesus stripes I would be healed. At 9 years of age, I prayed what to me would be my first real, heartfelt prayer. I prayed that God would take care of me and guide my doctors during surgery before going back to the OR (03-10-1993). When I got back to the OR my doctor told me everything would be fine. I knew then that He had heard my prayer. It has been 22 years since I have been back in the OR for any kind of surgery pertaining to my having Cerebral Palsy. Thank you Jesus!

Two years later, the summer of 1995; I asked Jesus into my heart during VBS and was also baptized.

Fast forward to my early twenties. At this time, I had moved away from home and was a college student. Church was not a big part of my life, but this was the time when I began keeping a prayer journal as a means of how I pray. After coming back home, I didn't go to church much at all and was very busy living an ungodly life to be honest.

Now here I am in my early 30's. The last two years of my life have been full of many ups and downs, highs and lows and plenty of soul searching. While I relied on God to get me through this difficult time in my life, I was still looking for love in all the wrong places if you will. In mid April of this year, I decided I was done with that life. I knew that the kind of person I really want to spend the rest of my life with was not going to be found in the places I was hanging out. My sister bought me a Bible I had been looking at for a while and I've read almost every day since. I have started going back to church on a regular basis as well. I have learned so much from my own personal reading as well as church sermons in the last two months. I cannot get enough! It is amazing when you can truly understand what you are reading and what you are hearing. I have also started worshiping through music and sometimes all I can do is cry while I am listening or even writing. Feeling the Spirit and knowing that He is near is the most awesome feeling I have ever felt.

It may have taken me 20 years to get here, but I have no doubt that I am where I need to be. Where I am SUPPOSED to be. I had so much peace with this decision, peace like I've never felt before.

I am so glad to have this outlet, because maybe; just maybe someone will come to know their Savior through reading my testimony.

The Confident Woman: Prayer of Consecration

Day 12: Prayer of Consecration

Isaiah 6:8

In my walk with God and as a Christian, this is one of my biggest struggles. I have been saved since I was 11 years old. I believe. I have faith. I pray. However, I am still not sure I've given all of me to Him. I have friends who are able to stand up and say they have done this, and that all they do is for Him. I admire them for this. 

I have tried to be like this over the years in my walk with God. When I do this, however, I do not feel like me and I'm left with an uneasy feeling. 

Is it just me?

The Confident Woman: Believe in Your Value

This morning, I opened YouVersion and started a 5 day devotional titled The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyer. I have always loved listening to her and would certainly enjoy reading her books. This was a great start and also gets me into the Word! I want to share with you over the next five days my personal thoughts and feelings about the devotional for that day. I hope you enjoy reading!

Day 1: Believe in Your Value
Isa. 43:4-5

Often as women we struggle with self worth and self esteem because we do not fit in as society says we should. We are not size zero, we cannot perform on the job well enough because we are female, etc. I know many who struggle with trying to lose weight or do not have a lot of self confidence in general. It is very painful to see people be like this day in and day out.

My friend, there is someone who has always believed in everyone of us, male or female; God! He loves us no matter what. We do not have to be a perfect model size, the CEO of a company, or Doctor so & so. He chose to accept and love us as imperfect as we are. To Him we have value and worth; and ALWAYS will!

So, next time you start feeling down on yourself, remember you are worth everything to Him!

God's Got This

This year I decided I would put my Kindle Fire to use and read a lot more. One of the things I chose to read was the Bible through the popular YouVersion app. I have found that I LOVE this app!

I searched for devotionals so I would have daily reading to do and I came across She Reads Truth. The devotional I am reading through this plan is titled Fresh Start. It reminds us that we can always have a fresh start with our Lord through his forgiveness, grace, and mercy for us.

I got started on this devotional a few days late, but I read every morning. Today's reading was one one verse, Exodus 14:14.

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still." Ex. 14:14

This verse really spoke to me as I began to realize I need to do just this. I try too often to fight my own battles when in reality HE already has them fought and won for me no matter how big or how small. I have always struggled with worrying over anything and everything I can. This particular verse clearly shows me that I have no need to worry. God has it all under control. After all, He is in control!

Encouraging Read

Are you searching for a way to fill a Spiritual void? Do you want to grow Spiritually? Do you enjoy reading inspirational titles? Then, this book is for you! My Time with God is a book of 15 minute devotions for the entire year. It takes you through the complete New Testament, and has references from the Old Testament; as well as insight from many well known people.

My Mom bought this book for me about 2 months ago. It is a book my Granny owned also. I had thought about asking to borrow the book several times; as I thought it was a book you could just sit down and read til you got tired. I'm so glad to have my own personal copy. It is very easy to read and understand. Usually, I read it along with Guideposts when I get up early in the morning, and then write in my prayer journal. Sometimes, I will switch and read at night. Depends on my mood. I am thoroughly enjoying this book. I wish I could just sit down and read it through sometimes, ha! :) 

I have had some awesome experiences while reading this book. Certain verses and insight that people give in the book have really stuck out to me. So much so that I've prayed over that specific verse!

So, if you are looking for a good read to help you grow Spiritually, but maybe you don't have a lot of time for reading then this book is definitely for you! 

Time with God

How do you spend time with God? Do you sing, pray aloud, read His Word.. talk to others about Him?

I spend my time with Him by writing in a prayer book not only for myself but others as well. I do this, because I personally do not like praying aloud. I like to write things out so I can see them and also refer to them later. I have been spending a lot of time writing in my prayer journal over the last few weeks. It is a comfort and a release for me. I am so glad I chose to do this. I have learned so much through it, especially this last week. I've prayed/wrote many a prayer for those I know battling sickness, for our finances and many other different things. All of these prayers have been answered, not on my time, but His. I prayed the prayer for our finances a couple months ago and had just started to lose hope that something better would come through for us, just as I started having that little bit of doubt, God came through for us once again. I have learned through writing my prayers down that He really does answer them and sometimes, its not right then. He kind of makes it suspenseful for us at times and makes us wonder, them BAM! there it is! I've had my prayer journal for a year, but just really started using it this year. It has made such a difference for me and I am glad I can read older entries and know without a doubt that those prayers have been answered in some form or fashion. It amazes me and it is such a blessing.

Thank you Lord for answering each and every prayer not in my time, but Yours. Thank you for the wonderful people I have in my life to share such wonderful things with. Amen!

I hope everyone has a blessed weekend!