The Day Before - Ehh, Blah, Meh (1/4/16) ~ Round 2 - After (1/9/16)

I do not feel bad today, but I do not feel good either. The title sums up my mood. I am just blue. I know a lot of people love and care about me - I know; but there is still a space I long to fill. The space for love. It has been empty for over 2 1/2 years now... I wish today could be spent with someone cuddled up under my new electric blanket. Quiet and warm!
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This time has been a little bit better. I am still very restless, but that should be passing in a day or so. It makes it tough to rest.

I have been able to eat better this time around. Maybe tomorrow I will feel even more like myself.

I have made the best out of today I do believe! I was able to eat some cereal and enjoyed a game of Scattergories with Mom and Dad! :)

Same Life, New Story: Anna

Anna

The biggest what-might-have-been I need to eliminate in my life is...

Well, let's just be honest here shall we...

What if I did not have cancer at 31 years old?

I would not appreciate life the way I do now; one moment at a time. I probably would still be looking to go out every weekend to listen to a band, still searching for that person to fill my hearts void in all the wrong places. I would still be a very restless person.

But, just like Anna I am slowly learning how to content myself until that void is filled in my life. What is it being filled with now, you ask? God. I have learned that if I do not keep Him and His Word in my mind and heart that is when I begin to have anxious thoughts and is often when I feel the most loneliness.

I am going to be real again; being single and fighting cancer has been a tough fight all its own. I have often thought to myself if that would ever happen again, because now not only am I in a wheelchair, but I also have cancer - 2 strikes from being out for some (just being honest)...

That is when I have finally learned to fill that empty filling with God and His promises, and if it be His will, He will fulfill the desire of my heart with a Godly man. For now, I will continue learning and growing in Him like /Anna did. I will not let Satan get in the way and steal the joy I have found.

If you are living in a past of "what-ifs" bring yourself into the "what-is" with God at the forefront and He will lead you into your future of "what-will-be", and you won't be left to wander!

The Heart is A Lonely Hunter

...not to be confused with the Reba McEntire song, or whatever book is out there.

The heart can definitely be a lonely hunter. It longs and yearns to be filled with love and able to return that especially to the love of your life.

I have been single for 3 years. It has not been a bad experience. I have learned a lot about myself and grown more as an individual during this time.

However, if you read my blog regularly you know that my life took a very different turn about 3 1/2 months ago with the diagnosis of cancer. During this time I have experienced many emotions and thoughts. The one that seems to hang on with a grip is loneliness. The further I have gotten into treatment, the more lonely I seem to become. Let me make it clear [before someone jumps ahead of themselves]... I am NOT depressed. I am still a very happy and positive person, just very lonely. Now you're wondering, "Why in the world would she be lonely so many people just love her." Yes, this is very true and I am well aware of this fact. However, it is not the same as having a special someone to go through this with.

I really do not know how to put it into words even in a hand written journal. I am just simply lonely. I long very deeply for love again. While I am very comforted by people, having someone special to walk through this time in my life would be of even more comfort. There is a calm that comes about when you have that special hand to hold and know they're going to be there with you through the good and the bad.

I am almost clueless as to how to remedy this for myself. I have tried every thing I know. I am even on Christian Mingle which has not proven to be of any help thus far. I know people are scared knowing I have the diagnosis I do, we're human I expect it. Things are going well now, and I am ready to move along in life - even if it's just talking to someone getting to know them. I do no expect love overnight, who in their right mind would?! Just being able to take the step in getting to know someone would be huge right now.

If you could stand to read this far, thank you.

Love & Hugs,
Crystal

Bad Times Bring Great Times

Well, readers,

It looks like you are going to have to bare with me for updates... treatment went well, but let it be known it is ROUGH. I cannot really put it into words other than to say, I did not feel like me and I did not like it. I am a very busy person and I am not use to not feeling the least bit well. The first 2 days after treatment I felt like total crap. I did not want to talk to anyone, text anyone, muchless try to update this. So, bare with me.

I am happy to report that the past two days have been very good days. Both of my best friends were able to see me on good days, which was for sure a blessing.

Christmas, it was rough but I did my best to enjoy it. I received several cards and gifts from friends and family. My most favorite gift came from my sister. My first pair of cowgirl boots!! I have been on the hunt for some for a long time that I would be able to put on myself (zip up the side)... she found them. :)

My appetite has just started returning over the last couple days as well. I am thankful to have so much time before my next treatment because it gives me time to enjoy food.. and have some fun days with family and friends. These good days are very much needed and very much appreciated.

With that said, I am going to go enjoy reading or coloring for a while before going to sleep. Maybe my next post will be from my new 2 in 1 laptop/tablet I hope to purchase before returning to treatment on Jan. 5!

Love and Hugs

I Let Go, I Let God - My Personal Testimony

We have all heard the phrase "Let Go and Let God." at some point in our lives. I know I have many a time in my life.

Today, I am going to take you on a brief journey of how I have come to know the meaning of this phrase in my own life.

I have always known who God was/is. My grandparents taught me about spirituality and I attended church with them growing up. I began to pray before I was ever saved. At 7 years of age I can remember lying in bed at night with a prayer cloth which had been given to me by a pastor; praying that by Jesus stripes I would be healed. At 9 years of age, I prayed what to me would be my first real, heartfelt prayer. I prayed that God would take care of me and guide my doctors during surgery before going back to the OR (03-10-1993). When I got back to the OR my doctor told me everything would be fine. I knew then that He had heard my prayer. It has been 22 years since I have been back in the OR for any kind of surgery pertaining to my having Cerebral Palsy. Thank you Jesus!

Two years later, the summer of 1995; I asked Jesus into my heart during VBS and was also baptized.

Fast forward to my early twenties. At this time, I had moved away from home and was a college student. Church was not a big part of my life, but this was the time when I began keeping a prayer journal as a means of how I pray. After coming back home, I didn't go to church much at all and was very busy living an ungodly life to be honest.

Now here I am in my early 30's. The last two years of my life have been full of many ups and downs, highs and lows and plenty of soul searching. While I relied on God to get me through this difficult time in my life, I was still looking for love in all the wrong places if you will. In mid April of this year, I decided I was done with that life. I knew that the kind of person I really want to spend the rest of my life with was not going to be found in the places I was hanging out. My sister bought me a Bible I had been looking at for a while and I've read almost every day since. I have started going back to church on a regular basis as well. I have learned so much from my own personal reading as well as church sermons in the last two months. I cannot get enough! It is amazing when you can truly understand what you are reading and what you are hearing. I have also started worshiping through music and sometimes all I can do is cry while I am listening or even writing. Feeling the Spirit and knowing that He is near is the most awesome feeling I have ever felt.

It may have taken me 20 years to get here, but I have no doubt that I am where I need to be. Where I am SUPPOSED to be. I had so much peace with this decision, peace like I've never felt before.

I am so glad to have this outlet, because maybe; just maybe someone will come to know their Savior through reading my testimony.

When Your Words Mean So Much - JoJo

Yes, that's JoJo again. This morning when I woke up, I checked Facebook like I always do...

I saw I had been tagged by Jo Jo in a status, which is not something that happens often. When it does, I know it's special. Today, he shared the blog post I had written about our friendship. You can read that here if you haven't read it. Above the post, he thanked me once again for writing, but after that he said something that I have kept with me all day. He said, "These words could not have come at any better time. You are my rock." I have been going through some difficult times of my own, which are written in the previous post. It seems like he and I always know when we need a pick me up. I'm so blessed to have him in my life and call him a friend.

When I wrote that blog, I thought... oh he will read it and say how much it means to him and he'll share it on his page to show support - which he did. However, I didn't expect it to have such a profound impact a year later. I do not know what he has been going through, I do not need to. What I do know is that my words have carried him through something he has been going through and I cannot express how much that means to me. I often feel like I write just because it is what I love to do and I do it well. Today, I learned that I do not just write because it is something I love to do. I write because whether I know it or not.. someone reads it and gets something out of it. Maybe, like JoJo my words carry them through a trying time, or what I read just lets them know they're not alone.

I can't express how I feel knowing my words mean so much. Knowing they are not just words threw out into cyberspace makes me want to keep writing even more. I have always enjoyed it and it is the best way I can express myself. I am so thankful to everyone who encourages me to keep writing. Aside from my family and friends here at home, JoJo is one of my biggest supporters and he always has been. He believes in my writing like I believe in his music and we'll never stop. I've got you buddy. Circles.Never.End.

Thank you, JoJo!

Meet Butters and Batman

Meet Butters the 7 week old Lop. I named him Butters because he is very fast when you put him down on the ground and just slides through your fingers like butter. :)

Butters is not my first rabbit. I had one when I was a kid.. but did not handle it often so it was never very tame. However, when I first saw Butters I knew I wanted him even though I still was a bit unsure because of also having dogs. I had his name picked out upon first seeing him. 

He gets plenty of play time with me and also his bunny brother Batman which is my sisters/nieces rabbit. The dogs go outside while the bunnies are out, but not to worry they still get plenty of love too! 

I am very glad I have Butters. He instantly cheers me up if I am having a bad day. Tucker does as well. I am thankful for my furbabies. Growing up I was not much of an animal person. Now I do not think I could live without one. Stay tuned for more adventures with Butters and Batman!

I'll leave you with this picture of Batman. :)

Disabled Dating: We Are Not a Charity

I have been single for a year and a half now. Since then, I have casually hung out with people; but have not been on a date that has actually led to really getting to know someone to see where things go.

If you read my blog or follow me on Facebook you know that I enjoy going out and listening to live music. This is my way of letting go of stress and worries. I have a great time when I am out. I get out on the dance floor and dance the night away just like everyone else, but I have noticed something in the way people approach me and those I am with.

I constantly hear people say:

"You are so awesome!"

"It is so good to see someone like you out having a good time and enjoying life."

Then, they approach whomever I am with and proceed to tell them what an amazing person I am and how it is great that [they] take time to get me out.

I have thought about all of this for a while, and honestly it bothers me a little bit, and in writing what I am about to write here I know I am not just speaking for me, but also those who are afraid to say it.

It seems as though society views those of us in the disabled community as a charity sometimes. Especially when we are seen doing normal things like normal people, be it going out dancing, holding a job, living on our own, or the main point of this post; dating.

Those who choose to take part in the lives of others who are different are not "special" because they choose to have something to do with us. They see us as they see you. Normal, and proceed to treat us as such. We want this not only in friends, but a partner as well.

The point to all this rambling? We are tired of sitting on the sidelines waiting because someone is too afraid to take the chance. Be bold and make an effort to get to know someone who's different you may find they have more to give than you thought. 

Special Needs Animals: Be Their Voice :)

For the majority of those with dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and the like; the animal isn't just their pet. They are considered to be part of the family, a furry child if you will. For some, their pet is the only "child" they have. Just like human babies, some are born with special needs, and require special care and/or equipment to help them life their life to the fullest. 

I use a wheelchair to help me be mobile and live life to the fullest. So does the little Chihuahua below named BeBe. Physical therapy has also been part of my well being throughout the years just as it was for the Boston Terrier with Swimmer's Puppy Syndrome.

Special needs animals need just as much of a chance at life. The same chance the child with mental or physical challenges is given. Just as we have to be the voice for the human special needs community, our furry friends need the same voice speaking out for them as well!

BeBe gets A Wheelchair

Swimmer's Puppy Syndrome

Holiday Recap

So, I am a little late at posting but better late than never right?

The week of Christmas was fabulous! I stayed the entire week with my lovely sister. Christmas Eve day Emily and I spent the day with Dad. I really enjoyed the time we got to spend with him one on one. It isn't something we get to do very often. It was such a joyous time. :)  We hung out with Mom and Dad Christmas Eve night playing board games and waited for the anticipated arrival of Santa for sweet Kaylee. :) Christmas morning we had breakfast with Dad's brother and sister, which is always enjoyable. That afternoon after everyone left we sat down together and opened our gifts. This is only the 2nd year that we have opened gifts on Christmas Day. We usually open them on Christmas Eve.

I am very happy with what I received, but more blessed for the time I was able to spend with my family and the memories we made. We sure mad some great ones!

I can say the year ended well. I came into my own as a person, as an individual.

Pictures:

 My Gifts

 Ready for a day with Dad

Kaylee and I enjoyed a movie and popcorn <3

Christmas 2012: A Surpise

This year my family and I did Christmas a little different. Instead of buying gifts for one another, we each bought new pajamas and made a snack item.

Tuesday morning at about 9:45 a.m. Michael and I arrived at my parents house. He was in his Sock Monkey feeties and I in my Grinch pajamas with a cheese ball in tow! Mom and Dad had on Santa PJ's. Emily had on Rudolph and Kaylee had pink with Santa faces and fuzzy house boots! Shortly after our arrival Kaylee opened all her gifts. She had a great Christmas this year! :) I'm excited to hear her play her new pink guitar!A After she opened gifts we all snacked and watched A Christmas Story. Kaylee enjoyed it.

Then right before we started to sit down and play games I got a surprise.

I was totally surprised. I'm so happy and he did an awesome job picking the rings out. I had eyed this set for about four years. It was well worth the wait and a blessed Christmas surprise! There is video on Facebook. I couldn't figure out how to upload it here. I can't do the video justice describing it here. But, Michael was handing out Hershey candy tins. He gave me mine and I opened in expecting candy. When I saw the rings I didn't know whether to laugh or cry and all I could think to say was "Are you serious?!" with huge smile on my face. If I figure out how to post the video I will!

Afterwards, we all played games (Fact or Crap, Battle of the Sexes, and Pictionary) until the late evening. This was truly the best Christmas I've had in a long time. It was not stressful and we were not rushed. I thoroughly enjoyed having genuine quality time with those I love. That's all I wanted.

I hope you and yours had a blessed Christmas and also have a wonderful New Year!

Five Years...

Hello Blogging friends!

I finally found something to write about after 2 months. I do apologize for the delay in my writing.

This Friday, June 17 I will be celebrating my 5 year anniversary with Michael. I cannot believe it has already been that long. It seems like just yesterday we met! For those of you that do not know our story we met online via a Yahoo chatroom. We chatted via IM and text for about 4 days and discovered that we lived in the same town and he was room mates with someone I knew. We met and the rest is pretty much history. We have been together ever since. If I could go back and re-do the way things happened I wouldn't. I am thankful to have him in my life. We have been through some tough times but that's what makes us stronger right? I would not trade any experiences we have shared together because we would not be where we are today if I had. I love him with all my heart and I am so glad we found one another. I believe we equal one another out for the most part. :)

I want us to be able to do something special Friday evening. Anyone have any ideas of nice and inexpensive things to do? Ideas welcome!

Love Never Fails

"Love never fails...and these three remain: faith, hope, love, but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 1:13

It is 3:30 a.m. I wasn't ready for sleep so I thought I would write for a while. The topic this morning? Love.

Where would we be without this wonderful feeling and emotion we call love? In my opinion, we would be living in an even darker world than we already do. We would be sad and down trodden all the time. We wouldn't like ourselves or anyone else for that matter because we wouldn't know how. If we didn't have love we would only know how to hate and be negative.

Since it is now November and we reflect on those things we are thankful for in life, I am very thankful for love. I am thankful to love and be loved in return no matter my faults or mistakes. Lord knows I have made many and can't take them back, but I am loved no less by those most important to me. What a Blessing! I often sit during the day and think about just how much I am loved by those closest to me and it always brings a smile to my face and warms my heart.

The love I have for my family and they have for me is unconditional. If they didn't love me I don't know where I would be. I love them so much. I text my Mom and tell her I love her everyday because I want her to know. I call my Granny everyday and even though we don't often say I love you, we know. We expect to talk everyday and if not one calls the other, that's love. Even though he isn't here on Earth... I still have an immense amount of love for my Papaw. He always made sure that I could get around in both houses he built for himself and Granny, and was ready to come back with "Hey Papaw!" right after one of us kids said it because he loved us. And he was always ready with a Hershey Kiss or Peppermint in hand. :) Coming together as one to help another through something is a true action of love and I've witnessed that so much in my family. They are just simply amazing!

The love I have for Michael is of course different.. but I truly believe with all my heart we were meant to be. I spent time tonight thinking about different things we have been through and special things he has done for me. Each time I do this, it makes me love him more than before. He means the world to me. I love that I can love him. I love that he can make me smile, and laugh just by being silly. I love him! :)

My heart is bursting at the seams with love to share with the world, is yours?

Be thankful to be loved, and remember.. Jesus loves YOU this I know..

P.S. Sorry if this makes no sense, it was late/early!