The Beginning - Port Placement (12/17/15) ~ Not Me - Anxiety/Bad Nerves (12/1/15)

Today really marks the start of my battle against cancer. This afternoon I had the surgery to place my port for chemotherapy. The operation id not take long and I was very comfortable with my medical team.

I am definitely sore; hoping to have that gone by Monday! Having the port will take some getting use to, but I'll do it!

Today's verse is very fitting. (There are Bible verses at the end of each page in my journal). He will/does rescue us! I feel like He is already rescuing me. I know His hand is upon me through this entire journey. He has been preparing me for a while!

What makes everything so peaceful and reassuring is knowing that He loved me enough to prepare me for this journey and I am ready!

________________________________________________

Over the last couple weeks I have noticed (as have others) that I have been a bit more on edge, and more outspoken than normal. I am sure it is a combination of meds and pain. Things that normally wouldn't bother me seem to drive me up the wall; which bothers me even more. I speak before thinking. . . . more than before. However, I can control my nerves, sometimes I have to remind myself it is not just me dealing with this, and that some of the things that bother me, I need to learn to overlook because it is not a big deal. (i.e. a rattling chip bag).

Heads Up

Just writing a little heads up post here. My blog is about to get really busy ya'll. I am going to start making scheduled posts on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

 One is going to be from my personal cancer journal that I keep, so you all have a little more insight on the things I really go through.

The other is going to be my sermon notes from Dr. Charles Stanley (In Touch Ministries) and Joyce Meyer (Enjoying Everyday Life).

I hope all who read these will not only learn from them, but enjoy the sermon posts.

I look forward to gaining more readers through this experiment!

The Mind of a Cancer Patient

Today, I want to share with you what it is like inside my mind sometimes...

On Good Days: (Like today) My mined is in a good place. My thoughts are happy and pleasant. On days like this cancer is forgotten about. I have a very thankful heart! I live my life as normal on this days and truly enjoy them! That may consist of being very busy out and about, or enjoying the quiet of my room reading & writing.

On Bad Days: OF course these are the most challenging. They come with many emotions, often mixed. They come with lots of frustration, too. These are the days that are mentally exhausting. I am often very irritable and hard to handle on these days as well. I am quick to snap and people without meaning to. I don't know how I am going to feel from day-to-day. When I don't feel good I find that I wonder what is next a lot... But often find the next day is usually brighter!

So, What do we feel?

Anger & Frustration because we get tired of pain and daily medication routines. They.Get.Old. Pain makes us angry because sometimes we don't know the cause and pain meds don't always help.

Sadness & Uncertainty because we do not know what tomorrow brings. Even so we get up and make the best of everyday. I fine that I personally experience the most sadness when I hear of someone passing from cancer. It shakes my care and boggles my mind for a few days, because one day... but it's one day for everyone and if we know Jesus, then all is well anyway. But, I will be 100% right now, my flesh is not ok with that. Maybe because I am young. Maybe my faith is weak, I don't know, but I pray for peace when that time comes.

Happiness, yep! We have good days. For some they are many, others very few. I am very fortunate to have lots of good days. I make the best of each! Sometimes, I spent them being lazy, most days I try to do sometime fun. I have had a lot of lazy days lately because of the heat!! When I am happy & feeling good cancer is the farthest thing from my mind; and I am so glad I am able to just live, and not have cancer in the forefront. I consider that a blessing!

I hope that by writing this it helps others to understand that this is not just a physical battle, but mental too; and that when I seem snappy I do not always mean it. Often, my mood is effected by the pre-meds I get before chemo & the meds I take daily at home.

Chemo Side Effects

The side effects of chemo and how they really effect and interfere with daily life are hard to explain to someone who is not "in it" with you every day, day in and day out.

So, in this blog I am going to make an attempt to explain the side effects I experience and how they affect my daily life.

*Keep in mind this in my own personal experience. Someone else's may be totally different depending upon the type of treatment they are receiving.*

~Numbness and Tingling: I have this sensation in my hands almost all the time as a result of the Oxacilliaplatin. This is one I hoped would go away after stopping that particular drug. Unfortunately, that has not been the case. I still experience this after every cycle and lately it has been lingering into my off weeks. It makes daily tasks a challenge. I do not like the feeling of a wet wash cloth in my hands so that makes showering and bathing difficult. The feeling of the keyboard under my fingertips is sometimes annoying so that is why it has been almost a month since anything has been written in here. I am having to just make myself do my normal things despite this nuisance.

~Fatigue: This is a big one. Sometimes your body just puts the brakes on and you have to rest! I have been known to sleep nearly 3 days, but this is not uncommon/. Chemo is hard on your body so it is important to rest as needed.

~Nausea/Loss of Appetite: This is a very common side effect for many patients. I have been very fortunate and only had mild nausea which Zofran takes care of. But, I know of many who stay sick through treatment.

~Irritability/Restlessness: I don't know about anyone else, but this is another biggy for me. Noise gets on my nerves after chemo, as well as joking around and being silly. Yeah, it's odd but just me. I like still and quiet after treatment. My irritability is not directed at anyone specifically - I just prefer a couple days of quiet unless I feel like doing something. This is also caused by the medications I am on during treatment and at home.

These are just some of the things I have/do experience after treatment and a lot of times they are very frustrating.

Sorry... Not Sorry..

Sorry.

We say it when people we love don't feel well, have lost loved ones, are going through tough times. We say it when we don't know what to say to someone because we do not understand their situation.
We say it with the kindest intentions of sympathy and love. We really mean well.

But...

Sometimes, [and this is my own personal opinion] I think we need to work on saying positive words of encouragement in some circumstances.

I have heard "I'm sorry" all my life because of not being able to walk and having to use a wheelchair.. now cancer. Let me say again, I understand when you're not use to being around someone who has a disability or serious illness it is an automatic response meant sympathetically. I really do get it. I do the same.

However, sometimes, the word/words strike a cord with me that is uncomfortable.

Why?

Because I have never been sorry for anything I have endured in my life. Yes, I was born early and have Cerebral Palsy which results in me having to use a wheelchair. Am I sorry because of this? Not at all. I have nothing to be sorry for. It is just the way I was made and there is a purpose for it. Yes, I was diagnosed with cancer 8 months ago. Does it suck? Yes. Am I sorry? Not at all, because again there is a reason for it; and as I have said before it has brought me JOY. I cannot be sorry about something that has brought joy to my life - no matter what I have to endure.

No, chemo is not always fun. There are side effects that I do not like dealing with. Ya know what? Tough cookies. I have to. I am thankful for it because it is keeping my cancer stable and allowing me to still live my life to the fullest and I thank the Lord for that. I am not sorry that I have to endure these things.

I am thankful for the surgeries I have been through that have helped me be able to grow as a child without major physical complications.

I am thankful for my wheelchair because it allows me to be independent and mobile.

I am just thankful, for everything.

Instead of saying "I'm sorry," what else might you say to show sympathy or encourage someone?

Same Life, New Story: Abagail

Abagail

I know I need to overcome my fear of living with cancer by taking these first steps forward in my life...

1). Accepting this as my new normal way of life. Learning to see cancer as a chronic illness, (think of something like diabetes). A person with diabetes has to take insulin to maintain his or her life. My chemo treatments will be very similar. They will help manage mine.

2). Trusting God will continue to see me through. Also, He will continue to bless me and help me bless others with my story. I also cannot forget to thank Him; because He has made this time in my life full of joy. Even on my worst days, I find something to be happy about. I realize I have been blessed greatly because treatment has not made me sick. I am still very healthy. Essentially, I have a disease you cannot see. (Think of someone with chronic pain/fibromyalgia). How do I feel about it? At first, I will not sure, but with each passing day it gets a little easier. I know the best thing to do isa to keep living positively.

3). Be open about thoughts and feelings. It is very important to share things instead of keeping them bottled up inside. Being open gives others the chance to help you and also may help relieve stress and tension in your own body.

Reality Is...

Reality is...

Life does not go as you plan  or sometimes even think it will. I know that my own personal reality has changed over the last few weeks, and I am still coming to terms with/learning to accept it. 

I went over it briefly in my last post - and it seems that I was or even, am okay with it.. I am, but yet I am not. Things can change, and they can change quickly. Mentally, I have spent the last few weeks wondering how long this current chemo regimen will work for me.. no one can answer that. No one knows, but God. It is a challenge to live with so much uncertainty medically. Have I considered a second opinion? Sure. Will I get one? Maybe. 

Let me give you an example of a bad day, and how quickly things can change...

I awoke yesterday morning and took my AM medicines as I always do - which has included a Zofran for the last few days due to some slight nausea. Unfortunately, the Zofran did not have time to work and I threw up everything I had just taken within 15-20 minutes. Right then, my plans for the entire day changed. Instead of writing and going to Bible Study as I had planned to do; I spent the day resting. (Which happened to be an answered prayer for my dear friend Sara at: The Messy Mrs). I'm thankful for that... even though it was not a pretty day inside my mind, I knew to be still and rest.

Uncertainty is hard to live with ya'll, and it is something that I face everyday as a human in the flesh. Do I wish I could have had surgery and possibly been able to close this chapter in my life? Of course. That was my plan, it was my doctors, but it was not God's. You may think, "It should be easy for you to accept God's plan if you believe.." I get that, but the truth is it is not always easy to accept His plan even though we know He has our best interest at heart all the time. I am human, and that part of me wishes that things were different right now.

But they aren't. They are what God intended them to be, not me. Maybe that is why I have tolerated treatment and responded so well, because He knew what lay ahead before I even got here. Maybe that is why it has brought me such joy and afforded me the opportunity of a job, because He wanted me to have true happiness in Him and more meaning to my life than He has already given me. For all this, I am very thankful.

Reality is...

Medicine, God is in control, and He is NOT DONE yet!