A Moment (4/19/16) ~ Biopsy, ER, Doctor Visit (4/26/16)

A Moment 

For the first time in a long time I had a moment. A moment of anger. A moment I didn't want to. I wished for a moment that I did not know about the cancer, but then what? I wouldn't know how to make the best of each day like I do now.

Still, I get annoyed at all the little things that have come with this journey. Blood pressure meds, anxiety meds, shots for blood clots... not how I thought life would be in my 30's, but it is not my plan; it's His. I have to keep trusting He has this. I know I will make it. It just gets hard when you let your mind get the best of you, and that happens sometimes because we are human.

I am glad that when the negative emotions and thoughts rage in my mind it is only for a moment, then I get over and and go back to my happy self. I had to go to the doctor today and have my incision site looked at, it's been bothering me. For now, we just keep an eye on it.

I know this will all be for His good, but sometimes you just get angry.

The Mind of a Cancer Patient

Today, I want to share with you what it is like inside my mind sometimes...

On Good Days: (Like today) My mined is in a good place. My thoughts are happy and pleasant. On days like this cancer is forgotten about. I have a very thankful heart! I live my life as normal on this days and truly enjoy them! That may consist of being very busy out and about, or enjoying the quiet of my room reading & writing.

On Bad Days: OF course these are the most challenging. They come with many emotions, often mixed. They come with lots of frustration, too. These are the days that are mentally exhausting. I am often very irritable and hard to handle on these days as well. I am quick to snap and people without meaning to. I don't know how I am going to feel from day-to-day. When I don't feel good I find that I wonder what is next a lot... But often find the next day is usually brighter!

So, What do we feel?

Anger & Frustration because we get tired of pain and daily medication routines. They.Get.Old. Pain makes us angry because sometimes we don't know the cause and pain meds don't always help.

Sadness & Uncertainty because we do not know what tomorrow brings. Even so we get up and make the best of everyday. I fine that I personally experience the most sadness when I hear of someone passing from cancer. It shakes my care and boggles my mind for a few days, because one day... but it's one day for everyone and if we know Jesus, then all is well anyway. But, I will be 100% right now, my flesh is not ok with that. Maybe because I am young. Maybe my faith is weak, I don't know, but I pray for peace when that time comes.

Happiness, yep! We have good days. For some they are many, others very few. I am very fortunate to have lots of good days. I make the best of each! Sometimes, I spent them being lazy, most days I try to do sometime fun. I have had a lot of lazy days lately because of the heat!! When I am happy & feeling good cancer is the farthest thing from my mind; and I am so glad I am able to just live, and not have cancer in the forefront. I consider that a blessing!

I hope that by writing this it helps others to understand that this is not just a physical battle, but mental too; and that when I seem snappy I do not always mean it. Often, my mood is effected by the pre-meds I get before chemo & the meds I take daily at home.