I Am Not Afraid

The picture really sums up this entire blog post.
God told us all not to be afraid one time for everyday of the year.
How awesome is that?
We all should live everyday, fearless. Yet, He knows we are human.
As humans it is natural for us to fear things, especially things that involve uncertainties.

Cancer can and often does involve many uncertainties. The majority of people are naturally afraid of it. They cannot bear the thought of it and do not like to even speak the word. I totally understand all of this. What I am about to say is not meant to be taken as me having a better than you attitude...

I am not afraid. I know, that is probably hard for you to believe... because who in their right mind would not be afraid of a cancer diagnosis, right?

It is true. I am not afraid. God has been preparing me for something big for a couple years now, a couple of times.. I thought I knew was it was, but I believe it was just more preparation for this journey. My hope and trust lies with Him.

As I told my pastor, I am ready to run this race and win!

Love and Hugs

Follow Your Arrow

Often times in our lives we do not pay attention to the path that lead us to a certain point. We are human and tend to just... well, live. There is a country song that says, "Follow your arrow wherever in points." No doubt, I am. :)

I have paid attention to the path my life has been on this year, and it has lead me exactly to where I am today. Every event that has taken place in my life this year has lead me here and I could not be more grateful. I have felt God this year. His presence has been strong. I will even go as far as to say I have seen him in people that I have encountered and formed relationships with. I have no doubt of that.

Earlier this year, I wrote my testimony about how I had made changes in my life, let God have control.. and couldn't wait to see where it lead me. You can find it here. Is it true that it has lead me into unexpected territory, yes because I did not expect news like I have received so young. However, as I stated on Facebook; I have always been somewhat mentally prepared for an event such as this to take place in my life. Why? I do not really know.

I do not like that I am having to go through any of this: the pain, treatments, sickness, weakness.. it isn't fun, and my journey is just getting started; but I know He is going to see me through and He is going to be glorified through out all of this. He is with me every step because He already knew we were going to be on this journey. Can someone say Amen?

Friends, I am confident that everything is going to be okay. I have trust and peace with my team of doctors that only comes from God. I should not be so "okay" with having cancer. I should be saying this isn't happening to me, why me right at the holidays? I don't deserve this. I should be angry. I should be hurting. Once again, I am not. Why? Because, He came before me on this journey and He is with me now.

I have cancer. So what. I have a life to keep living.

Love and Hugs

P.S. Will post a medical update tomorrow.

Grouchy

I have learned several things over the last few weeks since being newly diagnosed with cancer, but the number one thing besides the obvious which is pain sucks; is that I can be a GROUCH.

Yes, all of you who think I am just so sweet all the time... Lol.. no I can be a grouch and a sassafrass. No, it did not bother me to admit that, because it is true.

I like structure and for the last few weeks things seem to just be a bit chaotic still, at least to me. Where I once would love the hustle and bustle of people in and out all the time, tv blaring, etc... Now, I want a quiet and calm environment. Don't get me wrong, I still want people to visit; I can just do without the unnecessary background noise.

I do have myself on a schedule of sorts. I take morning meds at 6, then noon, then 6p, and 11:30-12. I sleep til about 11a after taking morning meds; wake up and then take noon meds. Depending on  the day I am having I may or may not need a nap.

Usually a nap does come into my day at some point and I have figured out the best place for me to nap is in my room. I can make it calm and quiet and not have to worry about someone knocking or the dogs pestering me.

In this short time I have also learned that you will be poked and prodded more than you want to or can even bother to keep up with. Also, they like to make you go NPO (no food by mouth) for procedures.

No food paired with pain makes for what.... a grouch. Tomorrow shall be fun. Liver biopsy at 7a.m. No food after 12a and no meds in the morning. JOY!! :\

So if you ever call, or text and I am short and snappy or give short replies I may just be in a grouchy mood.

New Doctors/An Easy Weekend

Friday's appointments went well. The PET scan took about 90 minutes. The longest part is sitting and waiting for the dye to be digested through your body. (I will be sure to take a book next time!) The results of the scan will be in Monday, but I will not know what they are until I see Dr. Tran Wednesday afternoon. The results of the PET scan is the only part of this whole journey that I am even semi anxious about, only because it shows where the cancer is in my body. My prayer is that it has not spread and is contained within my rectum only.

I met with my surgeon Friday afternoon as well. She is very pleasant to be around and has a great bedside manner and concern for her patients. I feel the same way about her colleague I spoke with as well. They are just as baffled as any other doctor I have seen within the last few weeks. Once the PET results are in and gone over - everything will make more sense for everyone involved. Also, the genetics testing will help the surgeons decide their course of action as well. I will update on that as soon as that information is available. I will see them again in 2 weeks.

My liver biopsy will be done Tuesday morning at 7 or 7:30 a.m. Though I am not looking forward to the procedure I am glad it will be done and over with. One less thing to worry about.

My weekend has been great. Friday evening I was able to spend time with my sweet friend/sister LaBrisha and her daughters Haylee and Kylee. It had been a little over 2 years since I had seen them. The visit definitely made me feel good and lifted my spirits. Kylee and Kaylee were able to play too. It was a great evening, and I hope they are able to visit again soon.

Saturday evening we had a visit from our friend Sheila. She and her husband came by to pick up a swing and visited for a little over an hour I'd say. We all had a lot of laughs. I really enjoyed seeing them and meeting her husband. Hopefully, when I am well; we can go visit them and see their animals.

I had intentions of going to church this morning, but was not able to because of my pain. I know they all understand, but I miss my church family. They are all wonderful people.

It's been a relaxing, easy weekend.

Love and Hugs

More Tests and Consultations

The meeting with my oncologist went well yesterday.  He was very nice and also very thorough. He would like to for my family and I to do genetic testing because of the strong history of cancer on my Mom's side of the family. Hopefully, my insurance will pay for that. He changed my meds and said to keep an eye on fevers/

Today has been a fairly good day. Pain has been tolerated well.

I even have a bit of a praise report. I had started hurting again before I decided to shower, so I asked God to let the pain subside long enough for me to be able to shower. He did just that my friends. We have an awesome God.

That's about all the news I have for now. Sleep *should* be coming soon, 5 a.m. comes early. I will have my PET scan at 7 a.m. and then go have a consultation with my surgeon in the afternoon.

Love and Hugs

Tomorrow: The Beginning of An Unexpected Chapter

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, the day after today, that is what tomorrow is, right?

Yes, but it is not just tomorrow for me, my family, my best friends. It is the beginning of a new chapter in all of our lives. This chapter is going to be full of many many ups and downs. Let's just be blunt. It IS going to be a chaotic roller coaster in every way possible. There is no way around that, but we will make it like we always do! Nothing is going to stop us. Ok, so what I am rambling about?

Here you go. I was admitted into the hospital on November 18 due to severe nausea, and other things related to that. I was given a couple bags of fluid and medicines to help with nausea etc. while in the ER. Also, while there they did a CT Scan of my abdomen and ran tests on a stool sample. The sample came back positive for C. Diff, which is an infection of the intestines. (Bad bacteria takes over in your GI tract). The CT Scan did not show any obstructions in the bowel. However, the doctor told us they did find a mass and a spot on my liver. I think we all just kinda sat there at that point. I don't know how my parents felt mentally or emotionally then. I began to prepare myself for the news that would follow a couple days later, I just had a gut feeling and knew.

I get to my room Wednesday morning around 9:00 a.m. or so. I am starving by this time because I have not had anything to eat or drink for quite sometime. Of course, I am on a clear liquid diet. [CLD]. That evening I have to drink the lovely drink that preps you for a colonoscopy. *I have a trick for drinking this, flavor it with water flavoring drops, except for red.* Thursday morning I have an ultrasound done of my liver, and then that evening around 5:00 I have the colonoscopy done. The results come back, and the mass that was found on the CT Scan is in my colon/rectum. We have to wait a while for pathology reports to come back but the surgeon was positive the mass was malignant (cancerous) To make an already long story short: most of the pain that I have been having for the last several months that was thought to be many other things, turned out to be colon cancer.

Yes, I said/thought/typed the word that no one likes to hear. Does it bother me? Not at all. Remember, I had a gut feeling after the results of the CT Scan came back showing a mass. So, I've had time to process the fact that I have cancer. Now, we treat it. Tomorrow is the first step. My first appointment with my oncologist, and Friday I will see my colorectal surgeon. Am I afraid of this new chapter that is being written in my life? No. I have always had a hunch that I would experience something like this in my lifetime. I know, it is odd to think that way, but I do so that if something does take place it is not such a shock for me. I am glad I am able to do that.

So, now we put on our armor and we fight this battle headstrong! 

For anyonne who may read this I would like to ask, if you have scripture or a quote that encourages you, please share it with me here or on Facebook. You may also email them to me at: prettigirlsmiles@gmail.com I am writing each of them down in a journal that I will take with me to treatment so I will always be encouraged by friends and family while they cannot be with me.

We can all rest in knowing that God allowed this to happen for a reason and He will be GLORIFIED in the end!!

I am not asking for much from anyone. Just be encouraging, not just to me, but each other as well.

Hugs & Love

God Has a Better Plan

Where do you see yourself in five to ten years?

Do you remember being asked that question all through out school? I do. I cannot tell you what my answers where, but I can tell you that whatever was written on those papers is not how my life panned out.

If my life had happened as I wanted it to; I would be married, have children, a job, and a house at this time in my life. Most people my age that I know have those things. Sometimes, it is as if their life unfolds before you as a fairy tale. That is when I remind myself that I do not see what goes on in their lives behind closed doors. I only see what is on Facebook or what they talk to me about.

The last 6 to 8 months have been very trying for me. I have been back and forth to doctors a lot trying to figure out how best to maintain my mobility and gain a little more independence. There have been many a curve ball thrown in my direction while trying to figure all this out, which makes me frustrated. I wish parts of it could just be simple; like getting a new wheelchair, that should not be so hard to do but it is something that I do not have direct control over. I just have to wait.

I am learning quickly that God takes what we think is just horrible in our lives to use it for His good. I spend more time in my Bible than I ever have. I am developing relationships with Christian people, and becoming active within my church.

Something good will also come from the pain I am dealing with. Someone somewhere will be touched by my determination. Someone will have hope again because they heard that I did not give up. Let me just say, that it has not been easy to keep smiling through this pain I have been dealing with. I have certainly had to lean on friends and family to make it through this rough spot.

In the mean time, I am gently reminded, God has a better plan, and His plan will not fail me!

The same for you, if you are struggling and do not know which way to go it is the perfect time to just open up to Him and let it out! :)

"For I know the plans I have for you", says The Lord.